Worthy

Do I feel worthy now?  No.  I don’t feel worthy of anything.  When I read a short article about not feeling like you are worthy to receive love and not being able to truly give it, it reminded me so much of myself.  I don’t think I have ever really felt worthy to receive, and I have always sabotaged my relationships in so many ways.  I have lost myself over the years to these relationships.  I have thrown away many years on these relationships, and now I have nothing left inside of me.

Acceptance

Every day I think about picking up the phone to call you or text you or send you an email.  Every day that I don’t do it is one step forward for me since I know that any contact I have with you will be painful for me and give you power.  And I’m getting stronger every day, knowing that sometimes my life is better.

But knowing these things doesn’t mean I can automatically stop loving you.  I can’t.  And I hate myself for loving you, knowing what you put me through.  I accept that I will never know the answers, but I wish you could have one hour of truth in our whole relationship and answer my questions.  I know it would never happen because you lie to yourself as much as you have lied to me.

Things I’ve Tried To Learn In 2015

I can be stronger than I ever knew.

I am capable of never ending love.

Family and friends are more important than I realized.

I don’t need to feel ashamed or guilty for the things I want or of the things in my past.

I am worthy of love and commitment.

Trust can be reestablished, but it takes time and…trust.

Time can heal many wounds…physical, emotional, and mental.

I know what joy is.

I can embrace my feelings without rejecting my logical side.  They can coexist.

Hope is the most precious thing to have and the most terrible thing to lose.

I don’t know that I will ever quit smoking.

I want to be a good mother, and I don’t think I always have been.

That I want to be loved for who I am, faults and all (and there are many).

Laughing is more important than sex.

Blue is my favorite color.

Small little dogs can teach you to love and laugh and bring happiness to your life.

There are a lot of people in this world that I love.

Questions…with no answers

Precarious...that's the best description of how I'm feeling right now.  But why?  I can't seem to get to the bottom of it.  Am I looking for issues just to have them?  Do I feel like I am further down the unseen path?  Do I feel insecure?  If so, why?  Do I feel in danger?  A little, maybe?  Am I scared?  A little, maybe?  Do I hate making hard decisions even if I know they are right, or do I just hate the consequences?  Is it frustration?  Do I hate what that frustration reminds me of?  Am I thinking of the future?  Am I trying too hard to live in the present?  Do I have doubts?  Do I have trust issues? 

Or is it just one of those days when I'm thinking too much?  Do I hate thinking when I can't get to the "reason" for the thinking?  That one I can answer with a sincere "yes."  Why am I even thinking at all when things are at a level place?  Is it fear that it's going to disappear into darkness yet again?  Is it fear of being vulnerable to being hurt again?  Am I looking for a reason to fuck things up before there's a chance for me to be hurt?  Haven't I done that too many times in the past?  Is it just a weak day (even though it's the weekend)?

Fuck it, I don't know.  And I think I'm tired of thinking.  Just let it go, and maybe it won't be there tomorrow.  Things will be back on track.  Just one of those days, I guess...not bad...just wary and wistful and maybe a little melancholy...without any real reason.  Guess there doesn't have to be a reason for everything, but my brain doesn't really work that way.  If I'm feeling something, after all the therapy I've had, there should be a reason....even if it's a reason I don't want to acknowledge.

Oh, well, life is good.  Things don't suck.  I just need to relax and stop trying to find the answers all the time.

The roller coaster of my life

I used to like roller coasters.  I really did.  Until I started experiencing the emotional ones.  Those aren’t fun at all.  In fact, there are times when I think hurting is better than the roller coaster.  At least you can make a plan to deal with hurt and have hope of getting better.  With the roller coaster, all you have is reaction.

But I don’t like being weak.  And I don’t like giving away everything I have for so little in return.  And yet I have no right to expect anything at all right now.  Guess that’s why it’s called faith.  Guess that’s why I’m an atheist.  I can only find faith in concrete things right now.

Guess it’s time to go to bed and think some more.  This one is going to take a while.  

A Friend’s Perspective

I’m paraphrasing something that my best friend once wrote for me.

Many of us have someone (or people) in our life that challenges our ability to trust and care for ourselves...
When we hear their voice or are in their presence, we may forget all we know about what is real, about how to own our power, about how to be direct, about what we know and believe to be true, about how important we are...
We give up our power to those people. The child in us gets hooked with a mixture of powerful feelings - love, fear, or anger. We may feel trapped, helpless, or so desperate that we can't think straight. There may be a powerful tug of war going between feelings of anger and our need to be loved and accepted, or between our head and our heart...
We may be so enamored or intimidated that we revert to our belief that we can't react or respond to these people any differently...
We are in pain...
We start by becoming aware of the people who cause us pain, and then accepting that...
We can force ourselves through the motions of reacting differently to those people, even if that new reaction is awkward and uncomfortable...
We cannot change the other people, but we can stop playing our part of the game...
The next step is learning to own our power to take care of ourselves, to be who we are free from their influence. We can learn to own our power with difficult people, even those we love. We can own our power over the hurt and pain.  It may not happen overnight, but we can begin, today, to change our self-defeating reactions to the people who once loved us...

Change

Moving on and change are not easy things for me to do.  Anybody who used to know me most of life would disagree with that because up until the last few years, I thrived on change and moved on easily from life’s disappointments and setbacks.  It seemed that the more life threw at me, the stronger I got.  But what I didn’t realize was that what I thought of as strength at the time was, in part, a lack of emotion and the ability to really feel.  But that has changed a lot over the last few years…some by choice, some by necessity.  Now I find that there are two very different sides of me, and they are learning to coexist instead of being mutually exclusive, as I thought my whole life.  Being strong and logical and capable does not have to exclude emotion.  Emotion is not weakness as I once believed.  It’s a part of who I’ve become that I am learning to embrace.

And in return, I’ve learned what real strength is.  I’ve learned that I am capable of love and commitment and trust and that I am trying to feel worthy of all of these things.  Priorities have also changed for me.  Being honest with myself and the people I care about is important.  Relationships are important.  Connecting with the people in my life is important.  Feeling proud of myself for making it through very dark times is important.  Becoming the person I want to be is important.  Not being completely defined by what others think of me is important. 

So my path may have veered from what I once hoped it would be.  It may not ever include all the things I would like it to have.  But it’s one day at a time, one step at a time, on a journey that I want to try to enjoy rather than simply looking for the ending or the next step.  Living in the present is one of my goals.  I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I hope to.

So, to anyone reading this…mana‘olana a me ikaika.

Moving On

Part of me wants to move on, and part of me doesn’t.  Part of me wants to just remember them and how much I love them.  Even though I logically understand that I didn’t do anything “wrong”, it’s hard for me to attribute all these negative things to them.  Even though I know it’s their problem that they can no longer feel love and trust and commitment, I still want to believe in the good in them.  I wish I could really hate them, but how can I hate them for things they don’t feel?  All I can feel is regret that they won’t admit it and do something about it.

And I can’t stop the hope, damn it.  There’s still a tiny bit of hope that maybe somehow they will figure this out and realize they need to change also to make all of us better, to be able to have a real relationship.  But they don’t want to change.  I have changed.  They refuse to change.  I apologize with no chance of forgiveness.  I just keep thinking there’s going to be some type of communication from him them even though know it is a futile thought.

And I’m home today and tomorrow and the tomorrows after that, trying to fill my time until I’m completely distracted.  I need to focus, but it seems like everything is too much effort, and there’s more rejection ahead.  But I have to do it anyway.  What is the alternative?

But it hurts to know that you were loved…but not enough.  That you were the best…but never good enough.  That you were the best friend, but that doesn’t count much.  That they have already moved on to the new, improved, better.  But I can’t change that.  I can’t change anything except myself.  And that’s still a work in progress.

So, yeah, it can be rough at times.  I just accept it and know that maybe someday I’ll get past it and move on.  I try not to lose my hope and strength.  I will continue towards the light that I believe will be there at some point.

I will laugh again…I will enjoy life again…I will live my life with honesty and as much joy as I can find.  But will I love and trust again beyond those that I know love me unconditionally?  That’s unlikely.  As I said before, knowing I could do it once may have to be enough to sustain the memories of that joy.  But you know what?  I think I’m okay with that.

Winner at a Losing Game

Just like the song says...if love is really forever, I'm a winner at a losing game.  I'm a winner at a game that I don't think I will ever have the strength to join again.  All of my strength goes to trying to stay optimistic about life, and all of the great things that are a part of that.  I don't have anything left to play the game again.  But at least I know that once upon a time I was able to love fully, trust fully, and commit fully to the ones who I never thought would leave me.  I could never believe they could leave since my love for them was strong enough to move mountains.  I didn’t understand hate and loathing that would decimate that mountain.  From the people who were my world.  So even if it never happens again, I am glad that I was able to experience it for as long as I had it.

The relationships are still a reality for me and probably will be forever.  I finally learned that, for me, a commitment to them isn't something that can just disappear when one person says it's over.  The commitment is just a part of me...sometimes that's painful, but the memories of the love that I feel will live on, even though the pain will never fade.

Still a winner....even if it is at a losing game.

When it rains

What’s the saying?  When things are good, they are very, very good.  When things are bad, they are horrid?  Well it’s been raining a lot lately.  And not the good, cleansing kind.  Just the gloom and the oppression.  When was the last time it wasn’t pouring?  My memory isn’t very good through the storm clouds.

But I do remember not too long ago a time when I had almost everyone I loved together for one night in the same room.  I worked very hard to put on a brave, happy face.  And I think it worked…at least for one night.  And it was a very special night, with a very special couple who meant the world to me.  The shining light in my sometimes very dark world.  I did it for them.  It was the hardest thing I had tried to do in a while, but I pushed myself to be better, to be up, to be on, to be what my beautiful baby needed.  And I hope I made her proud.

There was darkness, too.  People who brought me down into a world of darkness, shame, and humiliation…people who bring pain to me every day of my life…people who won’t forgive or forget…people who haunt me continually.  I did not allow this or these people to extinguish my flame of light…not on this night.

I did not allow this darkness to feed me.  I was surrounded by light and love and laughter…and maybe even joy.  I needed the joy if only for one day and one night.  If I could be strong then I could have these memories to carry me through any upcoming rainy days.

It was exhausting, but it worked.  Those memories do remain in the midst of clouds.  Those memories give me a glimmer of hope for future days of light when I can’t see past the rain.  I know I have a beacon who will shine brightly for me and guide me through the heavy times.  That beacon is always there for me.  It gives me the hope to carry on.  Even though I know the rain will come, I carry this beacon with me always to shine for me on a very narrow and treacherous path.  And when I can’t face the fear and the darkness of the storm, she takes my hand.

Someone Like Me

Sometimes life just sucks so I bury myself in small things so I don't have to think about the rest of life, the responsibilities that go along with that, and the loneliness and fear of letting everyone down.  I have a pretty good life with a wonderful child and family and good friends, but there are times when I feel I'm out here on my own. 

I know I'm the one the people in my life have always turned to when things go wrong, and I know I'm the one who was expected to fix things.  But sometimes I just dreaded the phone ringing because I knew it would be one more problem.  I tried to help, but I got frustrated and resentful and blew up sometimes...more often...feeling unappreciated.

I also knew that I never really let anyone in.  I didn't share my feelings about how difficult the last few years have been for me.  Because when I let others have a glimpse, it shattered their expectations of me and their belief in me as the competent, strong woman/mother/friend.  It scared them, but it scared me even more.  So I hid.

But sometimes I wish there were someone like the old me that I could turn to.  Someone to share my thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams and insecurities and problems.  I thought I had it once, but it was an illusion...a lie which caused me to retreat even further into my isolation.  I don't believe there's ever going to be anything like that for me.  Men are certainly not interested in anything like this...and certainly aren't willing to see past the potential for sex to really get to know what someone is like outside the face they show to the rest of the world.  And even friends can only be there so much.  And lately, that's not much.

So I continue down the well-worn path, and I put on the face that everyone expects, and I go on...while privately toasting my own little pity-party. 

Glass Floor

Sometimes I feel like I’m watching my life unfold through a glass floor beneath me.  Below I can catch glimpses of what I might like my life to be like, but I can’t get there.  I search for doors and windows and ways to get around to the life below, but all I realize is that the only way for me to get there is to go through the glass, and that it’s going to be terribly painful.  I also know it means that I am avoiding all feelings because I don’t want to endure the bad ones right now. 

But I know that at some point I’m going to have to feel the pain to get to the good.  But will the good be there, and will it be enough to make the pain of breaking through worthwhile?  That is the fear.  The fear of the unknown because the pain is easier than the possibility of the unknown, of taking that chance yet again.  The pain is more familiar, and in some ways even a little comforting.  Better the devil you know?  So for now I will put off the destruction of the glass floor and be content to watch the life happening, the potential for happiness slipping by, an interested observer, but a participant who is not yet ready to try again.

It Started With…

It started with lies and knives…or did it? Was it the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning? How can you know, and does it really matter? At the end of the day, are they the same? For some, it’s a slow slide to blackness…so slowly that you don’t even notice until you are already there. For me, I could see the wall looming in the distance for a long time. But did I avoid it? No. I ran straight into it…not once, but twice, even three times. Because, you see, I knew I was strong enough to shatter it.

The end of the beginning…a different concept. How else can you reconcile a life that seemed perfectly content in shades of gray, suddenly became a Technicolor reality all at once, then crashed headlong into a wall of darkness of your own making? In 50 years, I learned one thing…never trust anyone or depend on anyone but yourself. Build the walls, and never let anyone see over the top. But you forget that the walls that are keeping everyone out are also keeping you locked inside.

It’s like Pandora…when you let someone in, you open the box, break down the wall, and allow all the miseries of the world to invade your space. You shut the box and rebuild the walls and hope that you were fast enough to keep hope…the last and only chance…from escaping.

But then you’re stuck inside the walls, surrounded by the illusions that you have created for those around you…the people who think they know you. You won’t let them inside the walls, and yet you resent them for not seeing for themselves that there’s another side buried deep inside that fortress. It’s not fair, but it is the reality that you live with.

So…the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning. It’s all about perspective. And lies and knives? That’s a story for another day.

What Is Bipolar II Disorder

Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.  However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-blown mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

A person affected by bipolar II disorder has had at least one hypomanic episode in his or her life. Most people with bipolar II disorder suffer more often from episodes of depression. This is where the term "manic depression" comes from.

In between episodes of hypomania and depression, many people with bipolar II disorder live normal lives.

During a hypomanic episode, elevated mood can manifest itself as either euphoria (feeling "high") or as irritability or as periods of intense focus and concentration.

People experiencing hypomanic episodes are often quite pleasant to be around. They can often seem like the "life of the party" -- making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood.

What's so bad about that, you might ask? Hypomania can also lead to erratic and unhealthy behavior. Hypomanic episodes can sometimes progress onward to full manias that affect a person's ability to function. In mania, people might spend money they don't have, seek out sex with people they normally wouldn't, and engage in other impulsive or risky behaviors with the potential for dangerous consequences.

The vast majority of people with bipolar II disorder experience more time with depressive than hypomanic symptoms. Depressions can occur soon after hypomania subsides, or much later.

Some people cycle back and forth between hypomania and depression, while others have long periods of normal mood in between episodes.

Untreated, an episode of hypomania can last anywhere from a few days to several months. Most commonly, symptoms continue for a few weeks to a few months.

Depressive episodes in bipolar II disorder are similar to "regular" clinical depression, with depressed mood, loss of pleasure, low energy and activity, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, and thoughts of suicide.  Depressive symptoms of bipolar disorder can last weeks, months, or rarely years.

Hypomania often masquerades as happiness and relentless optimism or focus. When hypomania is not causing unhealthy behavior, it often may go unnoticed and therefore remain untreated. This is in contrast to full mania, which by definition causes problems in functioning and requires treatment with medications and possibly hospitalizations.

People with bipolar II disorder can benefit from preventive drugs that level out moods over the long term. These prevent the negative consequences of hypomania, and also help to prevent episodes of depression.

 

How Is Bipolar II Disorder Different From Other Types of Bipolar Disorder?

People with bipolar I disorder experience full mania -- a severe, abnormally elevated mood with erratic behavior. Manic symptoms lead to serious disruptions in life, causing legal or major personal problems.

In bipolar II disorder, the symptoms of elevated mood never reach full-blown mania. Hypomania in bipolar II is a milder form of mood elevation. However, the depressive episodes of bipolar II disorder are often longer-lasting and may be even more severe than in bipolar I disorder. Therefore, bipolar II disorder is not simply a "milder" overall form of bipolar disorder.