Someone Like Me

Sometimes life just sucks so I bury myself in small things so I don't have to think about the rest of life, the responsibilities that go along with that, and the loneliness and fear of letting everyone down.  I have a pretty good life with a wonderful child and family and good friends, but there are times when I feel I'm out here on my own. 

I know I'm the one the people in my life have always turned to when things go wrong, and I know I'm the one who was expected to fix things.  But sometimes I just dreaded the phone ringing because I knew it would be one more problem.  I tried to help, but I got frustrated and resentful and blew up sometimes...more often...feeling unappreciated.

I also knew that I never really let anyone in.  I didn't share my feelings about how difficult the last few years have been for me.  Because when I let others have a glimpse, it shattered their expectations of me and their belief in me as the competent, strong woman/mother/friend.  It scared them, but it scared me even more.  So I hid.

But sometimes I wish there were someone like the old me that I could turn to.  Someone to share my thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams and insecurities and problems.  I thought I had it once, but it was an illusion...a lie which caused me to retreat even further into my isolation.  I don't believe there's ever going to be anything like that for me.  Men are certainly not interested in anything like this...and certainly aren't willing to see past the potential for sex to really get to know what someone is like outside the face they show to the rest of the world.  And even friends can only be there so much.  And lately, that's not much.

So I continue down the well-worn path, and I put on the face that everyone expects, and I go on...while privately toasting my own little pity-party.