Moving On

Part of me wants to move on, and part of me doesn’t.  Part of me wants to just remember them and how much I love them.  Even though I logically understand that I didn’t do anything “wrong”, it’s hard for me to attribute all these negative things to them.  Even though I know it’s their problem that they can no longer feel love and trust and commitment, I still want to believe in the good in them.  I wish I could really hate them, but how can I hate them for things they don’t feel?  All I can feel is regret that they won’t admit it and do something about it.

And I can’t stop the hope, damn it.  There’s still a tiny bit of hope that maybe somehow they will figure this out and realize they need to change also to make all of us better, to be able to have a real relationship.  But they don’t want to change.  I have changed.  They refuse to change.  I apologize with no chance of forgiveness.  I just keep thinking there’s going to be some type of communication from him them even though know it is a futile thought.

And I’m home today and tomorrow and the tomorrows after that, trying to fill my time until I’m completely distracted.  I need to focus, but it seems like everything is too much effort, and there’s more rejection ahead.  But I have to do it anyway.  What is the alternative?

But it hurts to know that you were loved…but not enough.  That you were the best…but never good enough.  That you were the best friend, but that doesn’t count much.  That they have already moved on to the new, improved, better.  But I can’t change that.  I can’t change anything except myself.  And that’s still a work in progress.

So, yeah, it can be rough at times.  I just accept it and know that maybe someday I’ll get past it and move on.  I try not to lose my hope and strength.  I will continue towards the light that I believe will be there at some point.

I will laugh again…I will enjoy life again…I will live my life with honesty and as much joy as I can find.  But will I love and trust again beyond those that I know love me unconditionally?  That’s unlikely.  As I said before, knowing I could do it once may have to be enough to sustain the memories of that joy.  But you know what?  I think I’m okay with that.