When it rains

What’s the saying?  When things are good, they are very, very good.  When things are bad, they are horrid?  Well it’s been raining a lot lately.  And not the good, cleansing kind.  Just the gloom and the oppression.  When was the last time it wasn’t pouring?  My memory isn’t very good through the storm clouds.

But I do remember not too long ago a time when I had almost everyone I loved together for one night in the same room.  I worked very hard to put on a brave, happy face.  And I think it worked…at least for one night.  And it was a very special night, with a very special couple who meant the world to me.  The shining light in my sometimes very dark world.  I did it for them.  It was the hardest thing I had tried to do in a while, but I pushed myself to be better, to be up, to be on, to be what my beautiful baby needed.  And I hope I made her proud.

There was darkness, too.  People who brought me down into a world of darkness, shame, and humiliation…people who bring pain to me every day of my life…people who won’t forgive or forget…people who haunt me continually.  I did not allow this or these people to extinguish my flame of light…not on this night.

I did not allow this darkness to feed me.  I was surrounded by light and love and laughter…and maybe even joy.  I needed the joy if only for one day and one night.  If I could be strong then I could have these memories to carry me through any upcoming rainy days.

It was exhausting, but it worked.  Those memories do remain in the midst of clouds.  Those memories give me a glimmer of hope for future days of light when I can’t see past the rain.  I know I have a beacon who will shine brightly for me and guide me through the heavy times.  That beacon is always there for me.  It gives me the hope to carry on.  Even though I know the rain will come, I carry this beacon with me always to shine for me on a very narrow and treacherous path.  And when I can’t face the fear and the darkness of the storm, she takes my hand.