Change

Moving on and change are not easy things for me to do.  Anybody who used to know me most of life would disagree with that because up until the last few years, I thrived on change and moved on easily from life’s disappointments and setbacks.  It seemed that the more life threw at me, the stronger I got.  But what I didn’t realize was that what I thought of as strength at the time was, in part, a lack of emotion and the ability to really feel.  But that has changed a lot over the last few years…some by choice, some by necessity.  Now I find that there are two very different sides of me, and they are learning to coexist instead of being mutually exclusive, as I thought my whole life.  Being strong and logical and capable does not have to exclude emotion.  Emotion is not weakness as I once believed.  It’s a part of who I’ve become that I am learning to embrace.

And in return, I’ve learned what real strength is.  I’ve learned that I am capable of love and commitment and trust and that I am trying to feel worthy of all of these things.  Priorities have also changed for me.  Being honest with myself and the people I care about is important.  Relationships are important.  Connecting with the people in my life is important.  Feeling proud of myself for making it through very dark times is important.  Becoming the person I want to be is important.  Not being completely defined by what others think of me is important. 

So my path may have veered from what I once hoped it would be.  It may not ever include all the things I would like it to have.  But it’s one day at a time, one step at a time, on a journey that I want to try to enjoy rather than simply looking for the ending or the next step.  Living in the present is one of my goals.  I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I hope to.

So, to anyone reading this…mana‘olana a me ikaika.