The Return

The Return

So it feels like it’s coming on again.  It’s been a little while since the cloud has descended on my world.  I was slightly up, better than I had been in a while, and today I have noticed a definite decline.  I didn’t even get a chance to enjoy the sunshine while it was there.  I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall, and it looks like it’s going to drop on my head.

Even though I know it will come around again, I always wonder why or when.  I know the easy answer is that I have bipolar.  But I am pretty stable on my medication so it just confounds me that it can come around again so quickly.  It’s so damn frustrating no matter how many times I go through it.  I guess I should be glad that it’s just at the frustration stage and not at despair.

I reached out today to my family and friends, but most were not available.  Luckily my best friend has been around most of the day to help me talk through what is going on.  She’s listened to me more times than I can count, and I don’t know how or why she doesn’t get sick of hearing about it, but she never does.

Gray.  I guess that’s the word.  Not yet black, just a fuzzy gray.  Like a rain cloud blocking out my hazy sun.  I want that sun.  I’m fighting for that sun.  At least I’m trying to.  And I know one of these days I will find it again, and I hope it is brighter and as sunny as the summer.  I need it.  I deserve it.  And I have to believe that it will come again.  I have to believe that to get through the fog.