The Things We Say

I guess I just feel like writing today.  I’ve joined a few bipolar support groups online, and I’m reading some things that are really hitting home to me.  People talk about the things they do when they are manic or hypomanic or depressed.  They talk about the absolutely horrible things they say and how they treat their loved ones.  It’s very sad.

I was not diagnosed bipolar when I was younger, although it seems very clear now.  I’ve kept a journal for more than 15 years, and in it I have written all of the terrible things I have said and done, primarily to my mother and children.  It’s shameful.  I now realize that this mostly came from the episodes I was dealing with, but that is no excuse.

I guess all I’m trying to say is that, to all of the people who I hurt along the way, I am truly sorry.  I don’t have an excuse.  I try to exercise restraint, but that seems to go away when I am in one of my bipolar states.

My older two children have completely disowned me.  They don’t want to even hear about my bipolar.  Hell, they haven’t responded to my requests for communication for years.  I have to live with that consequence.  I am thankful every day for the love and support of my baby girl who never judged or judges me.

So today is me saying I’m sorry and hoping that I don’t have to repeat this as a regular blog post.