Memory - Where Did It Go?

Memory – Where Did It Go?

What is life except a collection of relationships and memories?  I don’t have Alzheimer’s or Dementia.  But there are days where my memories are probably not much better than those with these diseases.  And I’m not just talking about things like not remembering where the car keys are.  I’m talking about serious memories of events, happenings, conversations, experiences.

I had a head injury a couple of years ago and then was diagnosed with Post Concussion Syndrome.  I also have Bipolar Disorder II and am on numerous medications.  I am pretty sure that the head injury caused my memories of that specific time in my life to disappear, but I don’t think it still causes me to have difficulty with my memory.  Instead, I think it’s either the Bipolar or a combination of the Bipolar and medications.

I probably have one of the most detailed calendars and journals of anybody you would ever meet.  I put every detail of my life in one or both places just so I don’t forget.  The calendar helps me remember where and when I am supposed to do things, and the journal is almost like reading a somewhat familiar book when I go back to look at the past, especially when someone in my life reminds me of something that I have forgotten.

It’s almost like my brain has a limited storage space like a computer, and when new information gets added, older things get erased.  I hate it so much.  I hate when someone will talk to me about a shared event or experience, and I have to say, “I don’t remember.”  I’m afraid it makes the other person feel like they aren’t important enough for me to remember when that is definitely not the case. 

Here’s an example:

My daughter is my very best friend, and we tell each other almost everything.  She has, by now, gotten used to my memory problems, but it still makes me feel like shit when she tells me something that I have forgotten.  She was talking to me about her friend being in a car crash and the airbags deploying.  My daughter said she remembered how that felt.  I asked her how she would know what deploying airbags feel like, and she reminded me that she had been in a car crash only two years ago.  Even when she reminded me I could only summon a vague memory of the time.  It was only two years ago, and it was a BIG DEAL.  How could I forget something like this?  And why?

So to all my family and friends who I have forgotten (I have no clue) to tell…I’m sorry when I forget things we did or conversations we had or events that were important to you.  I don’t ever want to do that, but the wires in my brain must be crossed somehow.  You are important.  The memories we share(d) are important.  I just can’t always access them.  So thank you for understanding and for not losing your patience when I ask you to tell me about things again.  I ask because these things matter to me, you matter to me, and I wish I could help us all to understand why I can’t remember.