Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia

Today I am writing about agoraphobia.  For those who don’t know what it is, it’s a fear of open spaces, crowds, and (especially for me) fear of leaving a safe place.  In my case it’s not just that my home is safe, it’s my bedroom.  It sounds a lot less scary than it really is.

For me, the whole process of planning to leave is painful.  Yesterday, for example, I had had enough of staying in my safe place and wanted to do something different.  I wanted to go out of the house my mom and I share and go to our complex’s pool.  It was a beautiful day.  But the act of putting on a swimsuit, knowing I was going to be leaving the house, was scary.  I knew that I would be out in public, around people, people who don’t know me.

But I did it anyway for an hour.  That was more than enough.  I was proud of myself for going but exhausted over the argument in my head that I needed to get home versus my need to try to stay outside for a while.  I’m very lucky that my mom gets it and does what I need her to do.

Most days the thought of leaving the house is paralyzing.  And it really sucks.  I’m fortunate to have friends who stop by occasionally, and like I said before, I always have my mom here with me so I’m not as lonely.  But I never just pick up and go without an army in my head telling me to try to do this one simple thing.

Some of my friends just don’t get it, and in a lot of ways I have come to live a virtual life.  I don’t know what I would do without my phone and iPad.  I can talk on the phone, FaceTime with friends on my iPad, chat on Facebook.  Those are my lifelines to the world.  I do have a world, just a smaller one than most people.

So if you have a friend or family member who is terrified to go out of their safe place, please understand.  It’s crippling.  It’s misunderstood.  It’s devastating in that it robs you of your freedom.  It’s not something you can just struggle through.  You have to wait for days when you feel strong enough to do something small.  Please be kind to us.  We want nothing more than to run around with you doing all the fun things in life.  We miss those.