Smoking Rant

For anyone who has followed me through with my goal of quitting smoking, here it is. In the last three months I have gone from 2 1/2 (50) packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years to about 5 a day. I am trying so hard, but it is really difficult, and I can't quite get there yet. I am plateaued for some reason. I have started vaping with liquid without nicotine just to help with the habit of holding/inhaling a cigarette.

I feel like I am making progress but am just stuck. I have tried so many things...medications, patches, gum, lozenges, cold turkey, hypnosis...and nothing has helped. I am told that if I "really wanted this" then I would be able to do it. It's just not that easy. I have heard some people say that quitting smoking is harder than to stop drinking alcohol.

What bothers me the most is that most people in my life do not encourage or celebrate my achievements so far. I get negativity and disapproval. Like if I go to the store to buy cigarettes and come back with two packs instead of one I get a disapproving tone and look. Even though it's because I'm sick of going all the time, plus I get a $1 discount of two packs.

And I got a new duvet and pillows for Christmas and am told that I can't actually "have them" until I quit smoking and vaping. They are put away where I can't get to them in their plastic containers. At this rate they will be my Christmas present this year, too.

People tell me things like "I didn't want to tell you before, but..." such as "I didn't want to come to your house when you were smoking because I always knew the house and you would smell like smoke, and I would have to go home and shower." Even though I never smoke outside my bedroom with the door closed and usually the window open. Thanks for sharing your opinion. I really appreciate it. You can stay home and just keep it the way it was before. Thanks for sharing your thoughts even though that is so negative and has no positive reinforcement for me. Thank you for making  me feel shitty about myself for being weak and having people not want to be around me.

I completely understand that people hate smoking. It's nasty, it stinks, and it's bad for your health. I am trying to stop not just for me but also my grandson. I don't smoke around him. First I stopped smoking in the car. Ever. Even when he isn't in there (which would be illegal) because I don't want any nicotine residue on his car seat. That was a really hard habit to break. I know it's better for my health, and I am trying to do it. I used to smoke in the living room, but now I don't even vape outside my bedroom because I don't want any chemicals to be in the rooms where he is playing, even when he is not here. I'm so sick and tired of hearing "I never told you before but..." Like it doesn't insult me or hurt my feelings now almost as much as it would have then.

Rant over. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I'm going to keep on trying. I'm not giving up. I am determine to get over this hump if I can, when I can. And I can't let people push me into doing something I am just not ready for yet.

Rough Time But Getting Better

Hi all. Just an update. Had a rough couple of weeks. My stupid CNP psych terminated me for no good reason and left me hanging out to dry without my spravato treatments or medications. I was so fucking pissed. I wanted to get back at her in every way I could.

I took some time so I didn't act impulsively like I am prone to do. Luckily I found a new psychiatrist (a real one this time) who seems pretty cool. She is getting me back on my spravato as soon as we can get the medication approved. And she immediately sent in prescriptions to get me back on my medications that I missed. She also changed my anxiety medicine from the useless low dosage valium on back to the xanax that worked, and I am already noticing a difference.

I have decided to just let things go with my previous CNP. It just isn't worth it to me, although it just kills me that she is getting away with all of this. But it isn't worth my mental health to fight this battle. I just want to move on to a better place.

And speaking of a better place, had a great Christmas (belated) with Mom, Kassi, Martin, and Logan. Went out for breakfast then back to our place for gifts and such. So nice. Mom and I babysat Logan that afternoon, and Kassi and Martin left for a few hours. They came home with a BRAND NEW CAR for Mom and me. Ours has been broken down for a while and is always on the verge of not running so they decided to do this for us. No words can express our gratitude and love for this incredibly generous gift.

So all around things are pretty good. I know I will feel better once I get back on the spravato, but until then I am just holding things together and trying to be positive. Hope all is well for everyone.

Update on Spravato

Some of you have been following my journey with the new treatment Spravato (esketamine) for my medication resistant bipolar depression. I just thought I would give an update now that I have had 16 or 17 treatments and am going every other week after starting with twice a week.

If you haven't read my other blogs, a quick update on what it is. It's a nasal spray for medication resistant depression. It is administered in a certified doctor's office, and you stay there for a two hour monitoring period afterwards. It is derived from a form of medical ketamine.

The side effects are weird but not unpleasant. Yesterday was, for some reason, my most intense experience yet. I had serious dissociation (where you can feel disconnected from your body, thoughts, and feelings) and hallucinations, which are the two primary side effects that I feel. It's pretty weird, though, which is why you have to be monitored for two hours (and also it can increase your blood pressure but not mine). Plus, you can't drive for the rest of the day.

It has given me my life back. I can actually laugh and smile and play with my grandson and interact with people and leave my house more (although that is still hard). I am not "cured" because there is no cure for bipolar disorder, but I feel better than I have in years.

My hope is to be able to go to a once a month cycle at some point, but I am still having a bit of a struggle a couple of days before my treatment which tells me that I still need to stay at this frequency. I'm not ready to stretch it out yet.

So that's where I am. If anyone has any questions about Spravato, the experience, the side effects, or the outcomes, please feel free to message me. Hope this helps some people. Good luck.

Depressive Episode or Bad Day?

Since starting my blog I realized that I mostly post when I am in a depressive episode. I find that on the rare occasions that I feel more positive I am less likely to post. I am changing that with this post.

As anyone who follows my blog knows, I have Bipolar II and have been in a medication resistant depressive episode for almost three years. This is compounded by Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, Agoraphobia, a Severe Sleep Disorder, and a few physical problems. I didn't know what happy felt like. It had been too long.

Since starting my Spravato medication treatments I have noticed a big change. Previously, whenever I felt down, I knew my depressive episode was crashing even further. One of the big differences I have realized now is that I can tell the difference between a depressive episode and just a bad day or two. That is huge for me.

For the first time in a long while I can smile and laugh with my mom, my daughter, and my baby grandson. I can leave the house for short periods of time. I can interact more. Hell, I even got my driver's license. What a change a simple medication can make in my life. I felt that I had tried everything, every medication, every treatment. Then I found Spravato. It is not a magic cure, but it is starting to make a profound difference in my life.

I owe this to my daughter and son-in-law who make it possible for me to receive my treatments by paying for them and making sure I have transportation since I am not allowed to drive myself due to the after effects. Without their help, I wouldn't be able to do this. People around me started noticing a difference even before I did. They pointed out to me how I was acting and the changes that had occurred.

So I just wanted to share with people that there is hope. I'm not saying my way is the only or even the best way. Just an alternative. I had almost lost hope. I had lost my way. I may not have found it yet, but I think I am on the right path, finally.

Just an update on rambling thoughts

So I'm continuing my spravato and getting good results. I feel better, would have more energy if not for my sleep disorder, and have stopped feeling suicidal thoughts. Even with my agoraphobia, I went to the grocery store briefly by myself for the first time in years. And I got my driver's license after six years! I start once a week next week and hope I continue to feel better with fewer treatments.

I have to give a shout out to my daughter and son-in-law. They pay for my copays for all of my psych appointments to get the spravato, along with providing me with transportation since I can't drive, and it's a long trip each way. If they aren't able to take me, then they pay for an Uber which is also expensive. They are so supportive.

And again a shout out to them both for my teeth situation. I used to have beautiful teeth, but years of medication, dry mouth, no dental insurance, no money for treatment, physical conditions that cause a lot of nausea/vomiting, my teeth have gotten horrible to the point that I can't eat much, and I never open my mouth around people. I can't even smile now that I feel like it sometimes because my jagged front teeth cut my lip. I only smile with my grandson.

My daughter and son-in-law are paying for me to get all the work done to have better teeth. It's going to cost between $2,500 and $3,000. I told them I will try to pay them back a little at a time as I can, but money is so tight. It will take about 2 1/2 months and eight appointments. The first one will be really painful as I'm getting my top four teeth pulled. Ugh. Just the shots in the roof of the mouth will hurt so much, but it will be worth it. I'm also getting six fillings, bone grinding, and upper and lower partial dentures. It's overwhelming, but I hope by Christmas I will be able to smile and eat. Going to be hard to eat without top front teeth for two months as I also don't have any molars right now. I'm not worried about how they look since they look so bad right now. This could be a life changing experience for me, and I am so grateful to them.

I'm also a little anxious about my babysitting my 10 month old grandson. I have been babysitting him since he was born, but mainly from 4:00 a.m. till about 11:00 a.m. most days which works great with my sleep disorder. But now I will be babysitting about 3-4 days a week during the day for about 10-12 hours at a time Now that he is mobile, I am worried about keeping him occupied and entertained. My mom will be helping on some days when she can. And I get so tired late in the afternoon, but being with him helps keep me alert and happy so I am glad to do it. Especially since my daughter and son-in-law do so much for me. They, along with my mom, are pretty much my entire support system.

So, that's where I am. Usually I post these blogs to pages, but I don't think I will this one so nobody may read it, but I just wanted to get my thoughts down. So many of posts have been down that it is nice to post something positive. Keeping my thoughts up about continuing to improve.

Thanks for reading.

Ongoing Treatment With Spravato (Ketamine) Update

So it's been a few treatments, and I'm feeling like I should update on how things are going. I actually talked to a journalist who reached out to me and asked me about my experiences for an article she may be writing, and it was pretty cathartic to tell the entire story to someone who really wanted to listen. Usually I just tell people the basics because that's all they want to know, and I don't want to be a burden with details.

My treatment resistant bipolar depression has been going on for about three years. Because I also have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, severe agoraphobia, a serious sleep disorder, and a few physical health problems, it can be hard to isolate just what is happening and what is cause and effect. For example, I know my sleep disorder which causes me to get 2-3 hours of sleep a day most days exacerbates all of my mental and physical issues. If that were gone, it would probably help my other problems. And my anxiety exacerbates my sleep disorder and my agoraphobia, etc.

But in just trying to isolate my reaction to the spravato specifically aimed at my depressive episode, I can say that I am cautiously optimistic that I am starting to see some results. I actually don't hate every single day or minute that I am awake. I smile sometimes. I can talk to my family and friends more easily. I'm no longer filled with daily suicidal ideations. And a big thing, after six years, I finally got my driver's license.

This has not been a fast and simple "cure all." But I do feel a little bit after each treatment which is more than I can say for any traditional medication that I have taken for 2-3 months. And I do find myself somewhat pressuring myself to feel better as this might be my last hope for improvement. But I'm trying not to go there. I'm just trying to feel what is real.

The treatments have gotten less intense with each one. The first nuisance (and previously undocumented side effect) is a burning in the back of the sinuses and top of the throat upon inhalation of the nasal spray. That lasts about 15 minutes. The dissociation isn't nearly as bad if I lie down with a blanket and a book, even if I read the same paragraph ten times. I just go with it now instead of fighting it, knowing that it will be gone in about two hours. It does leave me feeling kind of groggy and drowsy for a while, but that's ok.

At my next appointment they are increasing my dosage. There are only two dosages. The first dosage, then the higher, stronger dosage. I expect that my side effects may increase again for a little while, but that's ok. And while there are no longitudinal studies past about six months, the plan is to go down to once a week in another few weeks then maybe once every other week if that still maintains the progress. We will constantly evaluate.

So to my daughter and son-in-law who are paying for the doctor appointments and providing the transportation (you can't drive after), I thank them very much. This wouldn't be possible without them. I'm moving forward with a little bit of optimism, which is more than I've had in a long time. Just that little bit is showing improvement, and considering where I have been, a little improvement goes a long way.

My First Treatment/Experience With Spravato (Ketamine)

Hi everyone. Since so many people have asked me and are following about the new drug trial I am doing with Spravato (a medicinal type of ketamine), I thought I would share how my first treatment with. And since I am awake at 1:30 a.m. (as usual, because I rarely sleep), I figured this was as good a time as any. Plus I have an enormous amount of stress and anxiety going on so maybe writing will help, although I'm only going to talk about the medication part.

My psychiatrist is the first in my metro area to be approved to use the drug, as it has newly been approved by the FDA for treating medication resistant depression. Although I have Bipolar II, I have been in a depressive state for about three years, and nothing is helping. The Spravato needs to be taken in combination with anti-depressants and mood stabilizers (or in my case Latuda and Lamictal). Everyone, including my doctor, was in the separate relaxation room (required for after care and monitoring) because I am the first and so far only patient they have using this medication so everyone in the office wanted to see its effects and how to administer it and such.

It is administered as a nasal spray, twice a week for the first four weeks, then determination is made on whether it is helping or not. I have only had the one treatment so no news on that part yet, which makes me feel a little bit like I let people down. Like people were expecting me to magically not be depressed anymore, but it's going to take more than one dose. The medication is expensive (about $1,000 per treatment twice a week) but I was approved for patient assistance and get the medication for free. I still have to pay my doctor copays, and since I didn't have the money for that, my wonderful daughter stepped in and said she would pay for them because, if not, she would always wonder if maybe this would have helped me.

There was a "practice nasal inhaler" to use to get the feel for how to administer it. It is pretty much a basic inhalation. You do one in each nostril, wait five minutes, then do another dose in each nostril. I knew about the extensive and expected side effects since about 70% of patients experience them. I just didn't know how it would feel.

When I did the first spray, the only thing I felt was a burning in the back of my sinuses and top of my throat. Uncomfortable but tolerable. No other feelings. Then I took the second dose, and things started to hit me. First I felt dizzy. Then I immediately felt like I was drunk and loopy. Then the dissociation started, and that was the weirdest part. A few minor hallucinations. But I was able to talk to my mom and daughter throughout. I was drowsy but couldn't sleep. Next time (Friday) I will try to immediately fall asleep after the dose, but I have a sleep disorder which keeps me from sleeping much. You have to have someone with you because you can not drive yourself or really do anything for the rest of the day.

The dissociation is hard to describe. It felt like I was outside my body. I was talking, but it was like it was coming from someone else. It wasn't really unpleasant, just weird. When I touched my face, it was like after going to the dentist and getting novacaine. When you touch your face, you feel it in your hand, but not in the area where it is numb. I felt like that, but numb all over. It lasted about 45 minutes, but it felt like hours. Again, not unpleasant like I was worried about, just strange. My blood pressure also spiked a bit (hence the monitoring) but not too much or for too long.

After about an hour I started to come down and feel more "normal". I could feel the effects wearing off. I was just lying in a recliner with a blanket on me, and my mom was there. You can't drive or do anything for the rest of the day. By the time I left, after two hours of monitoring, I felt mostly the way I usually feel, just tired and a little groggy. I came home, and after a while I was able to sleep for about an hour, but that's it. I've been up pretty much all night, and now my day has started. But that part is normal for me with my sleep disorder and not an effect of the medication.

So now I know mostly what to expect. I will keep going to the treatments twice a week for four weeks and evaluate and see if my depression is responding, at least getting me to a stable place. My psychiatrist was a little nervous, since I have bipolar not major depression, that there was a possibility for mania, so it is definitely contraindicated for Bipolar I. But I had no mania or hypomania.

That's my experience. I am trying not to get my hopes up that it will work when everything else has failed, but at least I am trying something new. And now I know what to expect, so it isn't so scary for the next time. I will keep you posted as I go along on how the treatments may be affecting my depression. Keeping my fingers crossed that it starts to help. Hope that gives you all some information if it is something you are thinking about trying or just wanting to know about my personal experience.