So it's been a few treatments, and I'm feeling like I should update on how things are going. I actually talked to a journalist who reached out to me and asked me about my experiences for an article she may be writing, and it was pretty cathartic to tell the entire story to someone who really wanted to listen. Usually I just tell people the basics because that's all they want to know, and I don't want to be a burden with details.
My treatment resistant bipolar depression has been going on for about three years. Because I also have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, severe agoraphobia, a serious sleep disorder, and a few physical health problems, it can be hard to isolate just what is happening and what is cause and effect. For example, I know my sleep disorder which causes me to get 2-3 hours of sleep a day most days exacerbates all of my mental and physical issues. If that were gone, it would probably help my other problems. And my anxiety exacerbates my sleep disorder and my agoraphobia, etc.
But in just trying to isolate my reaction to the spravato specifically aimed at my depressive episode, I can say that I am cautiously optimistic that I am starting to see some results. I actually don't hate every single day or minute that I am awake. I smile sometimes. I can talk to my family and friends more easily. I'm no longer filled with daily suicidal ideations. And a big thing, after six years, I finally got my driver's license.
This has not been a fast and simple "cure all." But I do feel a little bit after each treatment which is more than I can say for any traditional medication that I have taken for 2-3 months. And I do find myself somewhat pressuring myself to feel better as this might be my last hope for improvement. But I'm trying not to go there. I'm just trying to feel what is real.
The treatments have gotten less intense with each one. The first nuisance (and previously undocumented side effect) is a burning in the back of the sinuses and top of the throat upon inhalation of the nasal spray. That lasts about 15 minutes. The dissociation isn't nearly as bad if I lie down with a blanket and a book, even if I read the same paragraph ten times. I just go with it now instead of fighting it, knowing that it will be gone in about two hours. It does leave me feeling kind of groggy and drowsy for a while, but that's ok.
At my next appointment they are increasing my dosage. There are only two dosages. The first dosage, then the higher, stronger dosage. I expect that my side effects may increase again for a little while, but that's ok. And while there are no longitudinal studies past about six months, the plan is to go down to once a week in another few weeks then maybe once every other week if that still maintains the progress. We will constantly evaluate.
So to my daughter and son-in-law who are paying for the doctor appointments and providing the transportation (you can't drive after), I thank them very much. This wouldn't be possible without them. I'm moving forward with a little bit of optimism, which is more than I've had in a long time. Just that little bit is showing improvement, and considering where I have been, a little improvement goes a long way.
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