Smoking Rant

For anyone who has followed me through with my goal of quitting smoking, here it is. In the last three months I have gone from 2 1/2 (50) packs of cigarettes a day for 40 years to about 5 a day. I am trying so hard, but it is really difficult, and I can't quite get there yet. I am plateaued for some reason. I have started vaping with liquid without nicotine just to help with the habit of holding/inhaling a cigarette.

I feel like I am making progress but am just stuck. I have tried so many things...medications, patches, gum, lozenges, cold turkey, hypnosis...and nothing has helped. I am told that if I "really wanted this" then I would be able to do it. It's just not that easy. I have heard some people say that quitting smoking is harder than to stop drinking alcohol.

What bothers me the most is that most people in my life do not encourage or celebrate my achievements so far. I get negativity and disapproval. Like if I go to the store to buy cigarettes and come back with two packs instead of one I get a disapproving tone and look. Even though it's because I'm sick of going all the time, plus I get a $1 discount of two packs.

And I got a new duvet and pillows for Christmas and am told that I can't actually "have them" until I quit smoking and vaping. They are put away where I can't get to them in their plastic containers. At this rate they will be my Christmas present this year, too.

People tell me things like "I didn't want to tell you before, but..." such as "I didn't want to come to your house when you were smoking because I always knew the house and you would smell like smoke, and I would have to go home and shower." Even though I never smoke outside my bedroom with the door closed and usually the window open. Thanks for sharing your opinion. I really appreciate it. You can stay home and just keep it the way it was before. Thanks for sharing your thoughts even though that is so negative and has no positive reinforcement for me. Thank you for making  me feel shitty about myself for being weak and having people not want to be around me.

I completely understand that people hate smoking. It's nasty, it stinks, and it's bad for your health. I am trying to stop not just for me but also my grandson. I don't smoke around him. First I stopped smoking in the car. Ever. Even when he isn't in there (which would be illegal) because I don't want any nicotine residue on his car seat. That was a really hard habit to break. I know it's better for my health, and I am trying to do it. I used to smoke in the living room, but now I don't even vape outside my bedroom because I don't want any chemicals to be in the rooms where he is playing, even when he is not here. I'm so sick and tired of hearing "I never told you before but..." Like it doesn't insult me or hurt my feelings now almost as much as it would have then.

Rant over. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I'm going to keep on trying. I'm not giving up. I am determine to get over this hump if I can, when I can. And I can't let people push me into doing something I am just not ready for yet.