Update on Spravato

 So I am more than a year and a half into Spravato. It has been quite a ride. I went from a 3 year long major depressive cycle, barely functioning, suicidal ideation to where I am now. Stable, mostly happy, smiling, interacting with people, leaving the house (although that is still a challenge). The one thing tha hasn't changed is my anxiety. Fuck. It is unpredictable and comes out of the blue. I deal with it, but the only thing that seems to help is my xanax. So I'm not really complaining.

I am only doing Spravato once a month at this point, with an occasional booster every other week if I feel like I need a booster. I am one of those people who wants complete darkness, no movement, total isolation with no distractions to really let myself go and experience what is happening in my mind. I can' even do music. I just snuggle up in my blanket cocoon and just try to relax. The funny thing is that even after all this time, the treatments are still different for me most of the time.

It's hard to describe what I feel. When I did 56 mg I felt loopy and high, but it was a good feeling. I coul tolerate it well. Then when I moved to 84 mg I went into total dissociation which freaked me out a first. I keep my eyes closed and just see hallucinations, both auditory and visual. If I try to speak I can't tell if I am speaking aloud or in my head. I can't feel my body at all. My limbs feel heavy but floating at the same time. I have learned to definitely go with the flow and absolutely not try to fight what is happening. It is strange but not unpleasant. It leaves me feeling peaceful...and very hungry. LOL. I just want to go home and eat and relax for the rest of the day. It 's kind of like I was given full body novocaine and some type of opioid at the same time. The dissociation for me is pretty intense. I have only had one negative experience in all this time. This week's treatment was one of the best I have ever had.

I don't really talk about it too much with other people. I feel like I am just at a stable and happy period, but I definitely don't feel like I could stop it. I think my depression would come crashing back. I love to interact with my Facebook group and hear other stories and learn from others' experiences and journies. I want everyone to get the same positive results that I have had. I feel so fortunate.

If anyone wants to comment or PM me to talk about this you are more than welcome. I am happy to answer questions or jus to share our experiences. I hope this gives you a little insight into what might happen even though our experiences can be totally different.

Cheers to all. Looking forward to hearing from you.