Agoraphobia and Grocery Shopping

Many of you may know that one of my mental health disorders is agoraphobia.  I've explained a bit about it, but this week I had somewhat of a breakthrough and decided to tell you a little more about it.

Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless and terrified. You fear an actual or anticipated situation, such as using public transportation, being in open or enclosed spaces, standing in line, or being in a crowd.

People with agoraphobia often have a hard time feeling safe in any public place, especially where crowds gather. You may feel that you need a companion, such as a relative or friend, to go with you to public places. The fear can be so overwhelming that you may feel unable to leave your home.

Agoraphobia can severely limit your ability to socialize, work, attend important events and even manage the details of daily life, such as running errands.

My agoraphobia started about five years ago after a head injury and concussion that caused post-concussion syndrome and escalated all of my other issues such as my bipolar disorder.  It was a nightmare I could never have imagined.  For the first six months I did not leave my house except to go to a doctor.  For another year after that, I would not even leave my bedroom to go into the living room, except to use the bathroom or go to the kitchen.  The thought of being outside gave me horrible panic attacks, as did the idea of being in a store (such as Walmart) or a crowded place, or a new place, really anything.  I was just simply terrified.  Along with my other mental health issues, this was being treated by my psychiatrist and therapist, along with a neurologist.

One of the typical treatments is exposure therapy which is horrifying.  You have to force yourself to do the things you fear the most.  So after about a year and a half I started trying small things, just leaving the house with my mom and going for a short ride in the car.  I started trying to go to my daughter's house for brief periods of time.  I would go to a small store, like a drug store, with my mom to pick up a couple of items as quickly as possible and then return home.  During these attempts I had multiple panic attacks, which make agoraphobia worse, but I had to keep trying.  There were weeks and even months when I couldn't do anything, and then I would start to try again.  I was able to leave my bedroom and sit in the living room with my mom, and that became ok.  I just had to keep working the steps.  One step forward, sometimes two steps back.

Over the past year, I have started getting a little better.  I could ride in cars, I could visit my daughter's house, go into a drug store, even going into a grocery store (the worst) just to pick up one or two items then leave quickly.  It's been a very slow process, and I'm not always successful.  I've had to give up a lot of things I used to love, such as going to concerts or movies.

I was lucky that my mom did our grocery shopping because I could not do it.  Then we turned to shopping online for groceries and just picking them up.  We've been doing that for the last year and a half or so.  But two days ago I was having a "good" day and decided to try really hard to go into a grocery store with my mother and do an actual shopping trip to buy what we needed.  I hadn't been into a grocery store to shop in almost five years.

We went inside, and I immediately had an anxiety attack.  I had to stop and breathe and remind myself that I wasn't dying, that I wasn't having a heart attack.  Then we progressed.  We went up and down every aisle, while I focused carefully on price checking products and using my calculator on my phone as coping skills to try to stay distracted from being out in the open.

It was hard.  Very hard.  I had to stop a few times to deal with my anxiety, but my mom was right there with me.  We were there for about an hour, unheard of for me for the previous five years.  We checked out and loaded the car and drove home to unload the groceries.  I immediately went to my bedroom, my safe space, to deal with the anxiety.  

But at the same time I was really damn proud of myself.  It may not sound like a lot to most of you, but if you've ever experienced it, especially for years on end, it was a big fucking deal for me.  I didn't think I could do it, but I did.  I called my daughter and told her what I did.  My anxiety was so high that my voice was racing and I couldn't stop talking.  She told me how proud she was of me, and I felt like I had made a small break through.  I wanted to tell all of my friends how I felt, but I don't really have but a couple of friends.  So I journaled about it instead, feeling excited to tell my therapist next week.

But I was exhausted, mentally and physically.  It took so much out of me.  I had to lie down for the rest of the day.

Then came yesterday.  It wasn't good.  I woke up with terrible anxiety.  I felt like I had a hangover from it and the day before.  I was in a horrible mood that I tried and tried to get out of.  I realized that I had set a bar for doing something, and now I felt like I should be able to do it again and again and go farther and farther more frequently.  I was putting a tremendous amount of pressure on myself in my mind, even though I was trying not to.  I was trying to focus on the good part, that I actually did it at least once.  Only four or five people who have seen this disorder affect me over the years have been able to see the slow changes in my trials and sometimes failures to overcome this.  I knew they were proud of me, and I didn't want to let them down the next time.  My brain spiraled with racing thoughts about this all day.  And I had a couple of panic attacks just thinking about the next time.

Today, though, I am just trying to remember that I did it.  A fucking grocery store.  Something that most people take for granted was a huge deal for me.  Maybe the next time won't be as successful, but I will be trying again, and thinking of other places to try.  Smaller places with few people are much easier.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to go into a Walmart again, but that's ok with me.

I also have trouble going to someone's house and meeting and being around groups, even small groups, of people I don't know well.  So in my pride of going to the grocery store, I almost forgot that my daughter's friend held a baby shower for my daughter two weeks ago where there were about 40 people that I didn't know.  There was no way that I was going to miss that.  I had quite a few anxiety attacks during it, but I was able to escape to bathrooms to settle myself down.  My daughter said that I had done a great job and she was proud of me for that, too.

So I'm making progress.  I'm trying not to worry about the next time or the time after that.  I'm just going to try to do what I can, and if I have to leave in the middle of an attempt, then that's just what is going to happen.  I am trying to have reasonable expectations that not all of my attempts will be successful, but that I need to keep trying.

I am on disability, and I don't drive.  The thought scares the shit out of me, but that's my next big goal.  Early next year, I am going to take the written and driving tests and see if I can pass and then see if I am able to drive on my own.  I've been talking about this for quite a while, and I'm going to do the best I can in maybe February to make this happen.

Meanwhile, today I have another trial.  My daughter and her boyfriend are taking my mom and me to lunch at a restaurant.  I never do that because I don't have the money (she's paying for it because she loves me and wants to treat me and help me) and being stuck in a roomful of strangers and eating is really scary.  But I'm going to do it.  It may not be smooth, and I know I will be anxious, but the people I love will be with me, and they know my limitations and will help me however they can.  I'm both looking forward to it but kind of dreading it at the same time.  But I'm going to do it.

Today is going to be a good day.  I'm going to spend time with people I love, out in public, in a restaurant, with people I don't know surrounding me, and I'm going to conquer the fear at least for today.  These attempts leave me feeling both happy and anxious and terrified and proud all at once afterward.  I have to take the good with the bad and just keep hoping that things will get easier as time goes on.  But I have to remember not to put so much pressure on myself that I actually cause a panic attack just out of my own fears.

So I wanted to share with you the progress I have made.  When I read it back, it doesn't necessarily sound like much, but it really is.  I can see the progress even when I also see the setbacks.  I will continue to try and hope for success.  Today, though, I'm just going to breathe and enjoy my family and try to ignore the potentially distressing parts and know that I am doing the best that I can.