After my last post where I actually made a successful trip to the grocery store, the next day I crashed. The only way I know to explain it is that I suddenly felt that I was putting an expectation on myself and maybe others were, too, to be able to be "normal" again in that part of my life, and it scared me and worried me and made me terrified to try again in case the next time would be a failure. So the depressive cycle was triggered.
This is going to get messy. I can see it now. But I don't have any other way to really express myself. This is when the self-pity part is going to start, so feel free to close your browser now. Over the last 4-5 years since my mental health has deteriorated so much, I have lost pretty much everything. I'm not talking about material things (although that, too), but people. Friends, family. Me being "different" than I was caused many of those people to cut me out of their lives. Being isolated and depressed and finding it hard to reach out to people sure didn't help.
Early on I tried to explain how my brain and emotions work to people in hopes that they would want to understand. Some said they wanted to try, but most didn't. I couldn't even understand what I was going through which made it hard to explain how I felt to people and what I might need in order to feel better. People started dropping like flies. Not calling or returning phone calls. I got the picture. If I wasn't "normal" then I was too hard to be a part of people's lives.
Now I find myself with really only 4 people in my life who try to care. And I know I have facebook friends who try to help, and I appreciate that, but it's not quite the same thing. I started talking less and less about my issues and tried to listen more to the people I cared about. This was how my world shrank.
I am not and have never asked to be treated differently because of my mental health. The only thing I have wanted was empathy when I tried to talk and understand how I kept making things worse most of the time. I was told I talked too much, gave too many details, was overly sensitive, was unreasonable. Not just about my mental health but about anything. I know how hard it must be to be connected to someone like me. It must be damn hard and frustrating all the time.
So I've tried to stop talking about my mental health as much as I can and only bring it up when I can no longer hold it in. Sometimes the reaction I get is empathy, and sometimes I get berated or feel bashed. I have had rules placed on me by people about what I can say, when I can say it, how long I can say it. So I figure it's easier just to stop all the talking. I'll talk through my blog so people don't have to hear/read if they don't want to.
The truth is that I have many days where I cry for hours for no apparent reason, and if someone happens to call and ask me why I don't have a good answer, or any answer. It's been especially bad the past year or so because I haven't been medicated due to not being able to find a psychiatrist that I can work with. I have limitations that I try to work with and some days I can try to push through those, and some days I can't. But I never have easy answers because I can't even understand it myself.
So yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm lonely. This is a self-indulgent rant because I have had a couple of bad days. Shit I've had bad months for a long time now, and it's hard to keep from feeling hopeless. Yes, I can talk too much. Yes I can message too long. Yes I can give out more information than is needed.I don't do these things on purpose. Afterwards I berate myself for fucking up yet again.
You know who is on my favorite call list on my phone? The suicide crisis line. I know I can call them, and they will listen and try to understand and help me understand and feel better. I have to remind myself constantly of my promise to never attempt suicide again because I think of it all the time. I think the world would be better without me, and I would be better without the pain. But I am still here. I can't even say I'm fighting because I'm really just existing. I feel like my life is disappearing along with me.
I have nothing but time on my hands since I'm on disability, and I have no hobbies or anything that brings me pleasure except talking to my daughter and my two friends. I do have one thing that I am looking forward to, and that is what I try to focus on whenever I feel this down. I want to be here for my mom, my daughter, and my soon-to-be grandson. That is what I live for.
So I guess I'll close the party down now. There really isn't anything left to say. I know I shouldn't even post this because it's just me being a whiny, crying baby. Thanks for reading, but you really didn't have to. It's just a useless post for me to cry out my feelings. So it's time to say good night. I've given up hoping that tomorrow will be better because it isn't. I wake up just waiting to go back to sleep. So sleep it is. Except that I usually can't sleep also because of my problems.
Now I'm just rambling so I'm done. I hope everyone has a good night. Be thankful for what you have, the family and friends, the people who lift you up, the hobbies you have, a job you enjoy. That is what I wish for all of you. Goodnight.
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