It has been a really rough couple of weeks. Tougher than usual. I have a lot going on that is causing my anxiety to increase, and I am in a bipolar mixed state (the worst), and I am basically unmedicated until I see my new psychiatrist. That's where I'm coming from.
But today I received an email from a family member. I don't have many friends or family members I can talk to about my mental illness. I have lost people I cared about because I tried to talk and explain things to expect about me, and people didn't or wouldn't listen or care. They didn't want to hear the "bad stuff". I felt (and still feel) that if people want to be in my life, who care about me, and want to be part of my support system, need to know some of the facts and realities of what I deal with every day.
So this family member who reached out to me (I find it almost impossible to reach out to others first), just told me that she thinks of me and hopes that I find help and that she is always there for me to talk to or message or whatever. I appreciated that message so much. It made me feel like there was someone thinking about me. This person was my favorite relative growing up. We were almost the same age and got together regularly and always had a good time. But as we grew older, life happened, and our relationship drifted but never died. But it's been a long time since we chatted. I had forgotten that I missed her.
When she reached out today, I was at a low point. I'm an atheist, and I know she is a Christian, but that doesn't hamper our relationship. She believes that she was led by God to reach out to me, and who am I to say that she wasn't?
I told her how much I appreciated her reaching out, but that it is very hard to love me or be a friend to me because I always feel a need to explain my mental illness to someone who doesn't know all about my issues, but that discussion can quickly turn into a monologue of me just trying to explain what I feel when I don't even know how to explain it to myself. I know that it would be best if I could just hit the general points, but my stupid anxiety ridden brain insists on going into more detail than is necessary, and it's hard to back down even when I'm trying to. It's like I just want this person to know all about me so they could understand. But man, trying to explain all that to a person is a difficult task. And the person on the other end has to really be ready to hear it all, even with my warning of how long it might take. And I presumed that she wouldn't be ready or willing to listen to it all.
She proceeded to tell me about her best friend's suicide last year, and how she felt so horrible that her friend didn't reach out to her when she did this. She explained how she felt and the circumstances. I had the opposite story to tell her. Of my own suicide attempts and constant thoughts. I, also, did not reach out to my best friend of 30 years when I attempted suicide. Nobody saw it coming. I also explained to her that people say suicide is nothing but selfish. I told her that it really isn't. Most people, like me, who have attempted or consider suicide don't actually want to die. They just want the pain to stop and don't know any other way.
We chatted for a while, and I realized that I had just assumed she (like so many others) wouldn't want the "real" story. I didn't go into it very far because that would take a long time. I did, however, ask her that if she ever had the time and interest in learning about my actual mental illness and what it means to me then to please let me know, but that it would be a long conversation (or monologue), and I wanted her to be ready. And I would answer any question asked. So maybe someday down the road she and I will be ready and able to have that conversation. To me, having that conversation feels more selfish than committing suicide. It requires listening and empathy and understanding and a lot of time.
So for anyone who is reading this, please feel free to reach out to me. We can have whatever kind of conversation you are up for. I can try to pare down the long explanations and experiences into something a little shorter and more general that will still lead to (I hope) some understanding. I know there are people out there who care about me and have messaged me, but I haven't really opened up to many people. If you are one who wants to be there, then I am certainly open to having that conversation. In fact, that would be the best gift anyone could give me. Just the time and understanding of truly listening while I try to make sense of what has happened to me.
Ok. Time to wrap this up. Thank you all, as usual, for reading. I appreciate those who think about me and wish me well more than you could possibly know. And I think about you, too, even if I find it hard to reach out, and I wish you all well. Have a good evening/day and be thankful for all that you have...something I am trying to learn every day to do.
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