Hi all. Many of you know of my mental health struggles, especially the last year and a half trying to find a new psychiatrist. I had a good one for about 3 years, her name is Keisha, but about a year and a half ago we were having some issues. I thought maybe we just needed a break, and I needed to see someone else. I was under the "grass is always greener" theory. So I left and thus started my journey.
Where I live it is very difficult, as I found, to find a new psychiatrist, even though it is a very large, urban area. It can take months to get an appointment only to find out that you don't like this person. So after I left I found a psychiatrist who I saw twice. He was an idiot and told me that what I really needed was more therapy (I go to therapy) not medication, even though I wasn't medicated at the time.
I'll spare all the details, but I went through four or five more psychiatrists. Two I didn't even have time to get to know before they quit and left their practices. That's when things got really bad. I became suicidal and ended up at the inpatient ward of the hospital for 8 days. They put me on a couple of meds and recommended a new doctor. This was in January. I thought I felt better. That lasted about 3 weeks then I hit bottom. The new medication did not work and sent me feeling lower than I had been feeling before, but I had an appointment with the new psychiatrist coming up and wanted to wait until I saw him.
I really tried from the beginning to like him and do what he said. Since I have so much time on my hands and I'm a very involved patient, I do a lot of research on my conditions, treatments, and medications. But this doctor had only one plan, would not listen to my questions or answer them, and told me I had to follow them and he wouldn't even consider any other options even though I told him how bad I was feeling. I was trying to be a good patient.
Fast forward about 4 months. I was feeling worse and worse, but the psychiatrist didn't care at all. He was cold and arrogant and would not listen. He didn't schedule me for blood tests that I knew I needed until I told him to. Once I had the blood test, and the results also went to my PCP, my PCP was extremely alarmed at the results. The medication had caused some serious physical problems and she wanted to see me the next day. She also wanted to talk to the psychiatrist, but he said "he didn't talk to other doctors or therapists."
At my next psych appointment I actually audio recorded my session with him for my therapist and doctor could listen to the things he said to me. My therapist was appalled and said he was flat out lying to me and that he should not be practicing medicine. Both she and my PCP told me I needed to try to find a new psychiatrist as soon as possible and started treating me as much as they could.
So I started looking for a new psychiatrist. It took me about 30-40 calls to find one. I didn't think anyone could be worse than the one I was seeing. I was wrong. This new guy was horrible. Traumatic. He wouldn't listen to me, told me I was dirty and disgusting with filthy clothes and hair and teeth. Now I know I don't look my best, but I was certainly none of those things. And I had a panic attack and was crying and he was yelling at me. I ran out of his office after only 15 minutes, stood by a very busy street and contemplated stepping in front of a truck. Luckily I remembered my promise to my mom and daughter that I would never again attempt suicide, and I had a new grandbaby to look forward to.
The next one was just as bad. She was terrible. Called me names, said I was a liar and a drug seeker and a lot of other things. I was both upset and crying and extremely angry. I was at the end of my rope. I knew I needed to be back inpatient, but I couldn't do it at the time because Mom and I are moving and I have to take care of her. Meanwhile I have had to keep seeing my horrible psychiatrist because I am on two medications that I need prescriptions.
I spent a long time with my therapist, and she was so upset for me and what I was going through. I started really thinking about my old time with Keisha, who was very good, and I didn't know how good I had it. I looked deep inside and realized that by the end of my time with her I wasn't always being the best patient and had to take responsibility for that. I argued with her and didn't always want to believe what she said. I needed to make a change and go back to somebody who I knew always cared about me and did everything she could even when I was having really bad times. Plus she is a good friend of my therapist.
So I humbled myself and emailed Keisha, telling her the terrible things that I had been through. She emailed me back that she was happy to hear from me but sorry for the terrible things that were going on. She said she wanted to talk to my therapist before deciding if she would take me back on as a patient. Of course my therapist told her of all of my troubles and the audio that she listened to, and Keisha got right back in touch and told me to make an appointment as soon as she has an opening. She talked about new tests and treatments and medications and such. I feel so lucky to be going back to her starting next week. My therapist said the last year and a half has given me psychiatrist PTSD so it's good that I will be seeing someone that we both know is very caring. I can hardly wait to have someone who cares who will start helping me with medication and other things.
Thanks for reading about all of this. I just needed to get it out. I also have a YouTube channel that I started where I am trying to talk about some of what I am going through and to help me with my anxiety and agoraphobia. I did one post that kind of talks about this that you might want to watch. Here is the link if you would like to watch. And I would love to get comments and feedback on both here and there. Thanks again!
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