Boundaries

Having bipolar disorder makes it difficult to define boundaries with other people.  And having abuse and PTSD in your past makes it even more difficult.  It’s only been recently that I’ve been told that defining boundaries with people would help me.  It’s hard.  I’ve just started, and it’s still hard.  It’s not like you usually have one set of boundaries that covers every person in your life.  It can be necessary to come up with boundaries that cover the personalities and effects that each person can have on you.

For example, as a former victim of abuse, I have a few people in my life who said things to me that were mean, cruel, abusive, vicious, or just plain fucked up.  That former victim went into victim mode, figuring I must deserve to be talked to that way, that somehow it must be my fault, that I was causing these things to happen.  It hurt.  A lot.  But I didn’t know any other way.  The only other way I knew was to not have any contact at all, and I would take the occasional good conversation over no conversations at all.  Especially since I don’t have a lot of friends and family as part of my life.

Now I’ve started developing boundaries.  I only have one so far, and it applies to everyone in my life.  That boundary is that I will not be spoken to in a cruel, vicious, mean, or abusive manner at all.  If that happens, I will tell the other person that they have crossed my boundary and how and that I will not talk to them again until they are ready to be civil, if not friendly.  It could make me lose people in my life who have gotten used to using me as a punching bag for some reason.  But do I really want those people in my life?

With my bipolar disorder I sometimes have trouble organizing my thoughts and speaking my mind.  I never used to.  I used to be a very different person before this disorder became out of control.  I am taking my time with people in my life and actually putting down on paper boundaries that I will not accept from them.  I am just getting started, so I am learning as I go.  And telling people about them is, for me, a very difficult prospect.  I have a fear of abandonment if I stand up for myself, but then again, if they can’t accept that kind of boundary are they really someone I want in my life?

So that’s where I am today.  And will be for a while.  Sometimes I don’t know I need a boundary until an issue arises.  Boundaries can make some people uncomfortable, but I need them to help with my mental health.  Luckily I do have some people that don’t ever seem to cross any boundaries I may come up with.  I know they love me, and they don’t do some of the things that trigger my bipolar or my anxiety/panic attacks.

If you have any of these issues, start thinking about boundaries.  I’m still learning, but it’s a self-esteem thing.  I don’t have any, but I’m trying to find some.  Good luck to all of us trying to figure out where the lines need to be drawn.