"Real" Feelings

Recently I was with my therapist and feeling hopeless and despondent.  We found ourselves discussing my life in terms of my childhood physical and emotional abuse.  From a young age, I was always the protector from my father, of my mother and sister and brother.  That meant that my mom and I bore the brunt of the abuse.

I continued that role of protector throughout my life, with my mom, my siblings, my children, my husbands, my extended family, and even friends.  I always tried to stand in the way of anything negative happening to any of them and making sure they were happy and content.  I did this my whole life.  I still do it although I'm trying to learn to back away a bit.

Because of this, I never learned what "real" feelings were.  I understood pain and hurt and fear and hopelessness and anger and frustration, and I tried to make sure those I cared about didn't have to face these things.  I did everything I could to step in front of those feelings for them so they wouldn't have to feel what I felt.

But I never learned how to feel good feelings like happiness, joy, contentment, pleasure.  Instead, I learned to mimic these feelings so those around me would see what they needed to see to be happy.  I played the role they needed me to play.  But I didn't actually feel those things.  I still don't.  I haven't learned.  I'm like a toddler just learning what "feeling" and "emotions" really mean.  And I am so stuck.  I don't like myself, I don't value myself, and I have no feelings of self-esteem.  I'm starting from scratch, and I think it's going to be a long haul.

I've only tried to explain this to a couple of people.  One or two tried to understand, the others didn't want anything to do with it.  That leaves me pretty much on my own, and it's a very lonely place.  When I'm feeling the negative feelings, I'm not sure if it's coming from a place with my bipolar cycle or from PTSD or from plain loneliness.  A long road ahead.

So if you talk to me, and sometimes things come out the wrong way, it's not meant to be negative or self-centered and certainly not hurtful.  I know a couple of you will come along for the ride, but more of you will not and will only be content with a surface, superficial friendship.  Sometimes I'm ok with that, and sometimes it makes me really angry that people who say they are there for me dismiss my feelings and change the subject if I try to bring them up.  It's hurtful.  But I guess it's all part of the process.

Maybe next time will be better.