End of My Rope

End of My Rope

Right now that’s where I am.  The end.  Of my rope.  I’ve been down for so long that I have forgotten what it’s like to be up.  For no reason other than my fucking bipolar.  Like that’s not enough of a reason.

On top of that I have had some situational things involving car problems, money problems, hurtful things from two of my children, my daughter/best friend losing her job and having trouble getting pregnant.  Most of these types of things I have no control over, and I understand that.  But the basic, underlying depression just permeates everything inside me and won’t go away.  I’m even thinking of cutting and having suicidal thoughts.

My medications are fucked, and that’s a fact.  I have a doctor appointment on Monday, and we are going to have it out.  She is going to have to listen to the things I want or I will find a new doctor.  Some of her decisions don’t even make sense to me.  Since I’m bipolar she refuses to put me on an anti-depressant since she thinks it will make me manic.  It won’t.  And even if it did, I could go off the med, and it isn’t going to be worse than I am now.  I am going to insist on an anti-depressant and will not continue with her without one.

On top of that, last month she started me on Rexulti, which is a booster for anti-depressants.  The problem, of course, is that I’m not on an anti-depressant to boost so that makes no sense at all.  This is going to be questioned thoroughly.

There are a few other medication changes I want to make, and she may actually agree to them, but it’s going to be a battle of an appointment, and I have to gear myself up for it since I feel so horrible anyway.  I can’t let her beat me down again.  As much as a pain in the ass as it is, this time I am ready to find a new doctor if she won’t listen to me.  I’m that frustrated.  The time that I have invested is just taking me too long, and I have nowhere left to turn.

I have no more strength to write and nothing much left to say.  I’m done.  I’m just trying to survive until Monday when I have my appointment.  It’s hard thinking that I probably won’t even leave my bed until then.  Thanks for reading.  Hope this one wasn’t too much of a downer.