Shame, Guilt, and Addiction

Shame, Guilt, and Addiction

Even though I am “stable” now, I can’t quite reach up to find “happy.”  Don’t get me wrong…I’m glad that my depressive cycle is over for now.  I just can’t figure out how to take it to the next level.  Regardless of the medication cocktail my mood stays in the 3-5 range on a scale of 1-10.

I read some things earlier today that rang true to me.  The first thing I read talked about the shame and guilt that many of us with Bipolar Disorder feel.  Shame over our illness and guilt over the things we have put our loved ones through.  I know I feel both constantly.  I am no longer in touch with the “happy” side of my emotions, only the negative ones.

The other thing I read also made a lot of sense.  Depression can be addictive.  When you have lived with it so long you feel like it is your sense of self.  The thought of being happy, or trying to be, makes me feel guilty, like I don’t have the right to any positive emotions.  The depression, although debilitating, feels more comfortable inside my own skin.

I’m just mulling these over right now.  Definitely things to bring up at my next therapy session.  I’m going to need some help with this.  While I feel these things, I don’t know what to do about them.  I don’t even know where to start.  I would love to hear from anyone else about their thoughts on this.  Meanwhile I need to ponder this and see what I can come up with on my own.