I Miss Me

I Miss Me

I miss me.  I miss my old life.  It’s nowhere to be found, I guess.  I used to be happy (well, hypomanic but didn’t know it), I used to drive a car, I used to meet people and friends and make plans.  I used to smile.  I used to get dressed and take care of myself.

I’m not exactly unhappy.  I just feel stuck in this limbo between contentment and sadness.  There is no happy to be found.  Maybe glimpses of it sometimes.  I almost wish that I didn’t remember my life before 2012 because then I wouldn’t compare this somewhat empty existence to what I was before.

I started to do my hair and makeup today just for the hell of it.  Not long after I started it I realized that it was just a stupid idea.  Nobody is going to see me except my mother.  I’m not going anywhere.  Hell, I’m not even going to get dressed so what is the point?

I try (as much as I can actually say that), and I hope that this won’t be the end just slowly creeping up on me.  I used to be pretty.  I used to have a swinging sex life.  I used to go do things with my friends.  All of that is gone, and I feel helpless to bring it back.  Is it the bipolar or is it inertia or is it the meds?  Who knows?

I guess I’ll just wallow in my own little pity party for a while and hope it goes away soon.  There doesn’t seem to be anything else to do about it.  What a waste.