The Bad Mother

The Bad Mother

Sometimes I feel like the worst mother in the world.  Many of you know that I have a daughter, Kassi, who is 22 and the most precious thing in the world to me.  What you may not know is that I have two other kids.  They are 30 and almost 28, a woman and a man.

My older two children are not in my life, and it breaks my heart.  I think the problems came from both sides.  I am bipolar with all that brings.  I have pushed them away at times and not always been the best mother.  My daughter is a narcissist, and my son has borderline personality disorder.  So the problems come from both sides.

It’s been over 4 years since I’ve had a relationship with my daughter.  My son has been back and forth but his BPD caused numerous problems, and I haven’t seen him in a year and a half.  Between them they also have my 5 grandbabies who I don’t get to have any contact with, and that also breaks my heart.  These children are growing up not even knowing they have a grandma who loves them tremendously.

I continue to reach out to them regularly via email, text, phone, and facebook.  They have me blocked, but I still try.  I just want to open communication and try to figure things out, but they are absolutely unresponsive.  I get nothing in return.

I’m crying as I write this because I have nothing left to try.  I admit my faults and take responsibility.  I can forgive theirs, but they won’t even have any communication with me at all.  They ignore every attempt I make.  My heart is broken.

There’s nothing left to say.  I can’t and won’t stop trying.  Maybe someday.  That’s my hope.  Maybe someday.

I Am Worthy

I Am Worthy

I was reminded today that I am worthy.  Something I have not felt in a long time.  In this context I was reminded that I am worthy of not just feeling good but looking good.  Again, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

Since I’ve been on medication I have gained a lot of weight.  That has been a big hit to my self-esteem, a self-esteem that has already taken a beating.  Since I’m not working I have really let myself go.  I don’t leave the house that often so I don’t even get dressed half the time, let alone shower, do my hair, or wear makeup.  It’s gotten really bad.  Someone reminded me that all of this probably makes me feel even worse about myself, and they’re right.  This fucking illness has robbed me of my sense of worth and my desire to look my best.

Starting in a few days I am going to make an attempt to change this, at least some days.  I need to get up the energy and motivation to shower and get dressed.  I can also put some product in my hair and make it look a lot better.  I can get dressed in regular clothes instead of staying in my pajamas all day.

And then let’s talk about makeup.  I used to wear makeup every day, and I actually loved the way I looked.  Now I haven’t worn makeup more than two or three times in a year.  My daughter, who is a wiz at makeup has decided to make me her pet project.  We shopped together online the other day and ordered enough makeup to cover all of my needs and wants.  We had such a good time doing it together, and we bought from some low-priced stores so it didn’t break my bank.

Now comes the hard part…actually putting it on.  I don’t even really remember how to do any of it.  This is again where my daughter comes in.  She’s going to give me lessons, and I definitely need them since I’m starting from scratch.  And the fact that I will get to spend a lot more time with my daughter is further motivation to get myself together.

So I am worthy of looking more like a well-groomed, dressed, and made up woman, even if I’m not going anywhere or meeting anyone.  I just need to change my mind-set, and that’s where the trouble has been for me in the past.  But I have some determination and a daughter who is excited to do this with me.

So wish me luck on my new grooming and dressing venture.  And remember that you, too, are worthy and worth it.

I Miss Me

I Miss Me

I miss me.  I miss my old life.  It’s nowhere to be found, I guess.  I used to be happy (well, hypomanic but didn’t know it), I used to drive a car, I used to meet people and friends and make plans.  I used to smile.  I used to get dressed and take care of myself.

I’m not exactly unhappy.  I just feel stuck in this limbo between contentment and sadness.  There is no happy to be found.  Maybe glimpses of it sometimes.  I almost wish that I didn’t remember my life before 2012 because then I wouldn’t compare this somewhat empty existence to what I was before.

I started to do my hair and makeup today just for the hell of it.  Not long after I started it I realized that it was just a stupid idea.  Nobody is going to see me except my mother.  I’m not going anywhere.  Hell, I’m not even going to get dressed so what is the point?

I try (as much as I can actually say that), and I hope that this won’t be the end just slowly creeping up on me.  I used to be pretty.  I used to have a swinging sex life.  I used to go do things with my friends.  All of that is gone, and I feel helpless to bring it back.  Is it the bipolar or is it inertia or is it the meds?  Who knows?

I guess I’ll just wallow in my own little pity party for a while and hope it goes away soon.  There doesn’t seem to be anything else to do about it.  What a waste.