An Open Letter To My Friends

An Open Letter To My Friends

I think the question I’ve been dreading has finally been answered.  What would be next?  An up cycle (hypomanic) or a down cycle (depressive).  I’m at the edge of a down cycle, hanging on by my fingernails, staring into a pit of darkness, hoping that I don’t fall.

It’s difficult to talk about.  It’s scary.  It’s sad.  It’s frustrating.  It hurts.

I know you (my friends) have reached out to me, trying to get me to share what is going on, and I have brushed you aside with platitudes while inside I am crying out with pain.  I want you to understand, but I don’t want to have to be the one to explain it.  I feel like there is so much to try to explain, that if I ever start, it will never end, so I don’t even want to begin.  I just try to keep it in.  I’m not trying to alienate you.  I just don’t know how to do this.

Aside from the down cycle, I am dealing with many outside concerns such as doctors, medications and changes, financials issues, and many other things which all heighten my anxiety and panic.  My mind runs in cirlces trying to find a way out only to find more questions.

So when you ask me how I’m doing, sometimes that simple question can make me cry.  I don’t want to.  But sometimes that’s all it takes.  And then the panic sets in and I can’t breathe or speak.  I want to share, but I can’t.  I’m not trying to pull away.  Please believe me.  I love you for your support even when I feel I don’t deserve it.

Just know that I love you all, and please don’t give up on me.  It may be tough going for a while.  It’s scary thinking that I may never again be the person who I once was who can enjoy going out with my friends to dinner or a movie or just to hang out.  I want to be the social person I used to be.  I want that more than anything.  But more than anything right now I need to feel safe, and safe to me means a safe place, and the only places that feel safe to me are my house and Kassi’s house.  Those are simply my boundaries for now, and I have to learn to live with them and hope that they can grow sometime in the future.

This was longer than I meant for it to be.  I wanted to explain where I am and where I am coming from to those who have reached out to me and why I may not respond in the way you expect or hope for.  It’s not that I don’t want to.  I’m just trying to hold things together right now.  But knowing that I have you as my support system even when I’m not being the best friend in return means so much to me.  I love you all.