Suicide - Just wanting the pain to go away

I am in so much pain.  Mental pain.  Physical pain.  Alone.  Knowing there's no hope for at least a few months to start trying to see if anything will help.  And I'm so tired of it all.  Exhausted.  Doctors and doctors.  At least my physical doctors are starting to try to work together, but my psychiatrist refuses to talk to them or my therapist.  And I'm having trouble finding a new psychiatrist.  And he is the one who actually started most of these problems with medication that he prescribed that has caused a lot of physical problems now.

I know I am rambling.  That's how my brain is right now.  Unmedicated.  Suicidally depressed.  Looking at knives for cutting and pills for swallowing.  It all sounds like the only way out of feeling miserable every single day.  But I know I won't because I promised my daughter and mom that I won't try it again.  It is especially hard since my doctors can only see me every 2-3 months.  So I know it's going to be a very long road.

I just wish I could get all of my doctors together to talk and brainstorm ideas to try.  Anything.  I'll try anything and have, but now they don't have anything for me left to try for the next couple of months while I hope they try to consult with each other.  I just want to lie in bed all day every day crying and sleeping.  I have no life in me at all. 

I'm whining.  I feel like a whiner.  And I haven't even brought up my teeth problems, my money problems, my anxiety and panic attacks, my agoraphobia.

The only thing that helps me for brief periods is talking to my daughter, especially knowing she is carrying my first grand child, and that is the only thing I am looking forward to.  I can't wait to have that baby here to love like I love his mother.

I should stop here.  Nothing can be done.  I have given up hope.  I live in misery.  And me writing more about the details of all of the terrible things I feel won't help.  I just wanted to put this out there, I guess.  I don't know why.