"Real" Feelings

Recently I was with my therapist and feeling hopeless and despondent.  We found ourselves discussing my life in terms of my childhood physical and emotional abuse.  From a young age, I was always the protector from my father, of my mother and sister and brother.  That meant that my mom and I bore the brunt of the abuse.

I continued that role of protector throughout my life, with my mom, my siblings, my children, my husbands, my extended family, and even friends.  I always tried to stand in the way of anything negative happening to any of them and making sure they were happy and content.  I did this my whole life.  I still do it although I'm trying to learn to back away a bit.

Because of this, I never learned what "real" feelings were.  I understood pain and hurt and fear and hopelessness and anger and frustration, and I tried to make sure those I cared about didn't have to face these things.  I did everything I could to step in front of those feelings for them so they wouldn't have to feel what I felt.

But I never learned how to feel good feelings like happiness, joy, contentment, pleasure.  Instead, I learned to mimic these feelings so those around me would see what they needed to see to be happy.  I played the role they needed me to play.  But I didn't actually feel those things.  I still don't.  I haven't learned.  I'm like a toddler just learning what "feeling" and "emotions" really mean.  And I am so stuck.  I don't like myself, I don't value myself, and I have no feelings of self-esteem.  I'm starting from scratch, and I think it's going to be a long haul.

I've only tried to explain this to a couple of people.  One or two tried to understand, the others didn't want anything to do with it.  That leaves me pretty much on my own, and it's a very lonely place.  When I'm feeling the negative feelings, I'm not sure if it's coming from a place with my bipolar cycle or from PTSD or from plain loneliness.  A long road ahead.

So if you talk to me, and sometimes things come out the wrong way, it's not meant to be negative or self-centered and certainly not hurtful.  I know a couple of you will come along for the ride, but more of you will not and will only be content with a surface, superficial friendship.  Sometimes I'm ok with that, and sometimes it makes me really angry that people who say they are there for me dismiss my feelings and change the subject if I try to bring them up.  It's hurtful.  But I guess it's all part of the process.

Maybe next time will be better.

Help And Support

I'm crying as I write this because right now this is one of the most important things to me. Whether you have bipolar or some other mental illness, having a support team in place to help you can be the difference between succeeding and failing.  Support can come in the form of doctors, therapists, friends, family, and support groups.  It's hard to support someone with these disorders.  We can be an awful bunch.  And a lot of times we push away the very people we need the most.

That is what has been happening with me recently.  I've pushed away people, but the one person who I thought would always be there for me and support me as I navigated these rough waters, has said she no longer has any interest in being my support.  In fact, she doesn't even want to be part of my life.  She's been the very closest thing I've had, and I've tried to support her, but maybe I haven't done a very good job because she is fed up with me.  Maybe I deserve it.  When you get this far into your disorder and emotions, it's hard to tell.  But to me loyalty is extremely important because I know I won't always be on good behavior.  I guess her loyalty was pushed too far.

I'm down to very little in the way of support now which probably means that I'm going to get a lot worse before I get better.  The few people I have left have to feel frustrated hearing me go on and on, and I might lose them, too.  But nothing will compare to what I lost today.  She's always been my beacon of light when things were bad.  I could navigate through to find her through my hard times.

She was pretty rough with me today.  I felt like a boxer against the ropes taking punch after punch with no way to defend myself until it was finally a knockout.  One that I don't know how to recover from.  I won't sugar coat it, it makes me feel suicidal.  Without this person in my life, I don't have the will to live.

If you have a support system, try to do what you can to keep them.  They are valuable.  This is a very lonely, selfish disease and hold those dear who are there for you.  You never know when you may be down to your very last.