Out Of The Darkness

Out Of The Darkness

I’m getting there again.  It’s been a while buried deep in depression.  Finally, I can see some light.  Not a blinding light, just a glimpse to let me know that it’s there.  Something tangible to reach for.  When I’m buried in depression, it’s hard to remember that the light of stability will be there again someday.  It may be a long time or a short time, but the light eventually finds its way in.

My family and friends stand by me during these dark times, never pushing or questioning, just showing their love and reminding me that I will have better times again.  They are strong for me when I am weak.  They are what I cling to when I have am lost in the fog.  And this time was the same.

People who don’t know me well ask me what brings on the depression or the hypomania.  There’s no answer for that, at least for me.  Either mood can come out of the blue.  There are no specific reasons for it happening.  I have triggers for my anxiety and my panic disorder, but I don’t seem to have triggers for my mood disorder.  The cycles just start, like a rollercoaster from hell sometimes.

But enough of the dark talk.  Today I am feeling good.  Regardless of what some people think, I attribute a lot of my mood stabilization to my medications.  Some people I know think the drugs are just an easy out.  Trust me…they are not.  To find a therapeutic cocktail of medications sometimes feels like playing darts blind.  You just pull together your options and under professional guidance throw the darts/meds at the problem.  Sometimes you hit the target, but other times you have to keep throwing.  I feel grateful that this time the darts are at least somewhat close to the bulls eye.

I want to thank all of my family and friends who have been there for me through this cycle.  Even when I isolate myself, they have learned by now how to be there for me when I need them.

As for stability…well, it’s stable.  Not really up or down.  Better than being down, for sure.  But I’d like to get to a point of feeling really up.  It’s been a long time.  But I will take stable over depressed any day and every day.  I will continue working with my doctor to tweak my medications so that maybe I will get to a point of feeling up or at least feeling the normal ups and downs of a person who does not have Bipolar.  It’s a slow process.

That’s all for now.  Just me feeling happier than I have been for a while.  Feeling grateful that my medications seem to be in balance and helping me to feel again.  Feeling love for my family and friends for not giving up on me.  Feeling back to my old self, at least to a certain extent.  Just feeling thankful.