It’s one of those fucking
days. Everyone has them, I know. This day, though, has lasted for quite a few
days. Sometimes it’s big things. Sometimes it’s just one small thing after
another that leads to a feeling of frustration so profound that I feel that I’m
going to explode. If just one more thing
happens…and then it’s one more thing, and then another.
I guess the thing that
set this whole thing off is medication and healthcare. I have been uninsured for the last year since
I can’t afford insurance…don’t even get me started on the fucking farce that is
Obamacare. That means my doctor’s
appointments are out of pocket, and so are my prescriptions. My doctors and pharmacies try to work with
me, but being on full disability, I have limited resources, so it’s a challenge
every day.
I’m at a relatively
stable point with my medications, and now one of my prescription patience
assistance programs have decided to be assholes and have fucked up my whole medication
situation. I was getting the medication
for free, and now I am going to either have to pay the full cost ($400 a month,
which of course I can’t afford) or change medications. Unfortunately, my medication balance is very
tenuous. I have been on pretty much
every medication for bipolar that is out there at one point or another, and it
has only been in the past year that we have reached a delicate combo of a
variety of medications that has seemed to work.
This medication that is
going to have to stop is the key component of this cocktail. Now I am going to have to plan an unscheduled
(and unbudgeted) trip to my doctor to start a whole new plan for a new medicine
regime change, and these things are excrutiatingly slow. You have to wean off of medications then add
new medications one at a time in small doses to see what is and is not
effective. In the meantime, you are
dealing with some very nasty side effects.
I don’t know where and how to begin, and I feel so fucking defeated
already. I have no idea what this is
going to do to me. I’m already having
nightmares of heading back down the rabbit hole of black despair which causes a
whole new set of medication problems just to regain some semblance of normalcy. The cycle never fucking ends.
Then the panic, anxiety,
and stress set in, and of course every little thing seems monumental. Things that, taken individually, may not seem
like major stressors, nuisances then aggravations then stress…then the anxiety
takes over…then the panic starts. And these
little things keep adding up, and the next thing you know, you’re in full blown
panic mode.
And once I’m in full
panic mode, everything starts spiraling out of control. It doesn’t matter how small the situation, it
isn’t manageable. It’s cumulative. The brain is in overdrive, and focus is
impossible. There is no solution to any
of it. I try to breathe. I try to remind myself that I’m not
dying. But the thoughts keep racing, and
there is no end in sight.
With this type of panic,
I can’t even talk. I can’t talk to
family and friends because I can’t even make fucking sense. Hell, I can’t even sort it out in my own
brain. I just talk incessantly from one
topic to another, never finishing a sentence or a thought, and I’m impossible
to follow…all the while trying to just breathe.
It really fucking sucks.
In the heightened state
of extreme anxiety I need answers and actions.
I need to DO. I need
ANSWERS. I need the people who are
causing the anxiety to help me down from the ledge and work through
solutions. But their time frame is not
my time frame. They are busy, and my meltdown
is not their immediate priority. The
longer I sit and wait with no help, the worse I get, the stronger my panic
attacks become, and the hopelessness overwhelms.
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