My brain and my emotions are completely fucked. Or maybe it's just me. I am a horrible, unlovable, unlikable person. At this point, I don't know if I am up or down, right or wrong, if it's day or night, if I am numb or want to die. I don't have a right to my feelings because I am too sensitive, too dramatic, I misunderstand, I don't listen or pay attention, I forget what I say or heard, I am just wrong. I feel guilty for everything, mostly just for being alive.
I don't know why I think sometimes that I can talk to people about the way I feel. I can't. If I do, then it is pointed out to me how wrong I am even when I have thought through what I have to say and try to say it thoughtfully. I am still in the wrong. I can't do anything right. I am a horrible mother, daughter, friend. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve kindness. I definitely don't deserve happiness and wouldn't know it if it hit me in the face.
Even with my depression and other mental illnesses, I rarely get angry or frustrated or resentful or upset at the few people in my life. On the rare occasions that I do, I try not to say anything and just pretend that things are fine. That's all anyone really cares about. The pretense of me being fine. But sometimes I do try to stand up for my feelings. Not often, but sometimes. And the result is always the same. I am in the wrong. My feelings aren't valid. I am mixed up. I don't make sense.
It's no wonder that pretty much everyone has left me except the couple of people to whom I am useful. Yes, they say they love me, but I don't really believe it. I am not worthy of love. I just try to be helpful and thoughtful and considerate, but honestly I'm probably doing it so they won't toss me aside, too. So they will keep me around as long as I am useful.
And with all of these feelings comes intense guilt over everything. I feel guilty for trying to say what I feel. I feel guilty for burdening others with my feelings. I feel guilty just for being alive.
Well, this has been pretty much a dark ramble with no point. I don't even know why I'm writing it. I just feel miserable, and it's not going away. I just need to keep my thoughts and words to myself from now on. I can't confide truly in anyone. I can just try to pretend. People are happy when I am pretending. They don't have to "deal" with me when I am pretending. So put on the happy face and keep on pretending. What a fucking pity party. I am pathetic.
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