The Music Is Back!

Some of you who actually know me may remember that I have been a musician for most of life, about 45 years.  I am a well-trained flutist who won many awards and even had a full university music scholarship (which I chose not to take at the time, but that's another story.)  I even remember about 20 years ago, when I switched careers and started making serious money, my first splurge was to buy the flute that I had always wanted my whole life.  And all of the music that I could possibly want.  It always brought me great joy.

But what most of you don't know is that starting about five years ago, when my mental illness became so severe, I lost my ability to have music in my life.  Yes, I could still play.  I never lost that.  Even the muscle memory couldn't be eliminated.  But playing music, even listening to music of any kind, made me incredibly sad.  I don't know why.  Especially since so many people with mental health issues, especially anxiety, use music as a distraction.  But not so for me.  It has been a heartache for me that I can't seem to get past.  I've tried playing, listening to all genres in different environments, but always with the same depressing results.

Fast forward to now.  With Logan (my precious grandson) now 3 1/2 months old, I decided to start playing music on my phone with him when I'm watching him.  We started out just listening to see how we would both react.  He loved it!  Then I started singing along with the music (kids music, classic rock, pop, whatever), and I've always been a horrible singer (even though I can play, I can't sing worth a damn.)  We then progressed to dancing and singing to the music, with him lying on the blanket next to me, and me moving his arms and legs and hands and feet to the music while singing.  He loves it and smiles and laughs and doesn't care that Grammy can't sing worth a damn.

For some reason, this little man has given me back something that was always such a huge part of my life.  I still don't play or listen on my own, but it's become part of our evening routine to play music and sing and dance before bedtime.  It means so much to me.  And it's all thanks to him.  He makes me smile which is such a rare thing for me.

Maybe eventually I'll be able to start playing and listening to music again outside of doing so with him, but for now I'm just happy to have it back in my life.  Who knew what a little baby inside your heart could do to mend the pain?