So for those of you who don't know my background story, I am 54 and have bipolar II (primarily depressive), severe anxiety, and severe agoraphobia. Due to these conditions, I became disabled five years ago. At the beginning, it was so severe that I didn't leave my bedroom for six months or my house for one year except to go to doctor appointments, and that almost made me hysterical. Some days I can't even get out of bed. I am at the point now where I am continually trying to find new medications, something that works, but not much at this point. But I can leave my apartment, in which my mother and I live together and take care of each other, for progressively longer periods, but so far not really longer than five hours and still have anxiety and agoraphobia during that time. I can go to my daughter's house, small stores on occasion (like a drug store), and have even started going to a smaller grocery store with my mother on occasion if we move fairly quickly and I can try to deal with the anxiety. I will never be able to deal with something like a Walmart ever again, or even a concert or movie, or going to a friend's house.
I have three children (32, 30, and almost 25) and six grandchildren (including the newest 6-week old). But I haven't seen or heard from my older two children or five of my grandchildren in 6 1/2 years. They cut me out of their lives, and to this day I do not know why. Well, I did see my son and a couple of his children a handful of times up until four years ago. It kills me, and I think about it every day, even though I try not to. But I am very close to my younger daughter and want to shower my new grandson with all of my love.
For three years my daughter has wanted to have a baby. During that time I always have told her that I will be her nanny as often and as long as she needs me. She and her boyfriend work 13-hour shifts as paramedics, and their days can sometimes vary each week so finding someone they trust to come into their home would be almost impossible. This is something I very much want to do as I love them both so much.
Well, a couple weeks ago, knowing her time off of work would be coming to an end soon, my daughter asked if I was ready for these long shifts with fussiness and feedings. And I just lost it with panic attacks and crying and said, "I don't know." I felt horrible. I could hear the fear and disappointment in my daughter's voice as I tried to explain how I was feeling, but I just couldn't explain it properly. She said she needed to know and that I needed to decide because she needed to figure things out. I told her I would figure out a way to make it work. And I had a two day breakdown, feeling very suicidal, knowing I was letting everyone down, mostly myself. I was also very sick and nauseated and vomiting, throwing up my medications, too. And no real anxiety medication to take.
My daughter called me the next day to say she had gotten me some help, that she would try to keep the days she needs me down to one to three times a week. Also, Logan's other grandma, who works nights, said she will try to come over in the mornings to help out on those days, his grandpa will come over after work and relieve me a couple of hours early, and my mom said she will come over as often as I need her to and help me during the day. And if I have a day when I can't get out of bed, his step-grandpa who doesn't work said he should be able to pinch hit. Between all of that, I should be okay. But I'm still scared that I will screw it up, not be able to figure out what to do, that being out of my house for that long will terrify me. But I am determined to make this work. I have to do it for everyone, for Kassi, for Logan, and for myself. I have wanted this for so long.
In talking with my therapist, she helped clarify things for me. My therapist said it has taken me four years to go from 0-5 on a scale of being able to do things. Now, with Logan, I’m trying to go from 5-100 in less than a month. Even when I feel decent, I am terrified that I won’t be able to handle the fussiness for long periods of time or stay awake or just screw it up. And I hate being out of my apartment for very long. So that sends my anxiety and agoraphobia soaring which triggers my depression. And then, because I want to watch him as much as possible like I promised more than anything, it makes me even more anxious and depressed and triggers my agoraphobia. And because I counted on myself to be able to do this because I want to so much because I love them so much and want to be there for them and feel useful again and have a purpose, it triggers all three even worse because of the disappointment in myself for not being able to do something I want so badly to do. Does that even make sense? That’s pretty much how I feel all the time. And I’m sure all of this contributes to the constant nausea.
But I am at a place where I am determined to do this, with help and understanding. I may not always be able to handle everything and ask for as much help as possible. I may not know what to do. I have to cut myself a break and understand that if I'm feeling so many negative things, the baby will pick up on that. But I will figure this out. My daughter is an angel for not giving up on me as my other children did. Everyone in my life is since there are many times I give up on myself. I don't want anyone to leave this post thinking that I am pushing myself to do something I don't want to do. I know I can't work, but Kassi is doing everything she can to help me do the one thing I have wanted more than anything in years, to show my love and dedication to them and how proud I am to have them in my life. So, together, this village will not only raise a child, but help a 54 year old woman have something wonderful in her life that she never thought she would have.
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