Caring for my new grandson while dealing with bipolar depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia

So for those of you who don't know my background story, I am 54 and have bipolar II (primarily depressive), severe anxiety, and severe agoraphobia.  Due to these conditions, I became disabled five years ago.  At the beginning, it was so severe that I didn't leave my bedroom for six months or my house for one year except to go to doctor appointments, and that almost made me hysterical.  Some days I can't even get out of bed.  I am at the point now where I am continually trying to find new medications, something that works, but not much at this point.  But I can leave my apartment, in which my mother and I live together and take care of each other, for progressively longer periods, but so far not really longer than five hours and still have anxiety and agoraphobia during that time.  I can go to my daughter's house, small stores on occasion (like a drug store), and have even started going to a smaller grocery store with my mother on occasion if we move fairly quickly and I can try to deal with the anxiety.  I will never be able to deal with something like a Walmart ever again, or even a concert or movie, or going to a friend's house.

I have three children (32, 30, and almost 25) and six grandchildren (including the newest 6-week old).  But I haven't seen or heard from my older two children or five of my grandchildren in 6 1/2 years.  They cut me out of their lives, and to this day I do not know why.  Well, I did see my son and a couple of his children a handful of times up until four years ago.  It kills me, and I think about it every day, even though I try not to.  But I am very close to my younger daughter and want to shower my new grandson with all of my love.

For three years my daughter has wanted to have a baby.  During that time I always have told her that I will be her nanny as often and as long as she needs me.  She and her boyfriend work 13-hour shifts as paramedics, and their days can sometimes vary each week so finding someone they trust to come into their home would be almost impossible.  This is something I very much want to do as I love them both so much.

Well, a couple weeks ago, knowing her time off of work would be coming to an end soon, my daughter asked if I was ready for these long shifts with fussiness and feedings.  And I just lost it with panic attacks and crying and said, "I don't know."  I felt horrible.  I could hear the fear and disappointment in my daughter's voice as I tried to explain how I was feeling, but I just couldn't explain it properly.  She said she needed to know and that I needed to decide because she needed to figure things out.  I told her I would figure out a way to make it work.  And I had a two day breakdown, feeling very suicidal, knowing I was letting everyone down, mostly myself.  I was also very sick and nauseated and vomiting, throwing up my medications, too.  And no real anxiety medication to take.

My daughter called me the next day to say she had gotten me some help, that she would try to keep the days she needs me down to one to three times a week.  Also, Logan's other grandma, who works nights, said she will try to come over in the mornings to help out on those days, his grandpa will come over after work and relieve me a couple of hours early, and my mom said she will come over as often as I need her to and help me during the day.  And if I have a day when I can't get out of bed, his step-grandpa who doesn't work said he should be able to pinch hit.  Between all of that, I should be okay.  But I'm still scared that I will screw it up, not be able to figure out what to do, that being out of my house for that long will terrify me.  But I am determined to make this work.  I have to do it for everyone, for Kassi, for Logan, and for myself.  I have wanted this for so long.

In talking with my therapist, she helped clarify things for me.  My therapist said it has taken me four years to go from 0-5 on a scale of being able to do things.  Now, with Logan, I’m trying to go from 5-100 in less than a month.  Even when I feel decent, I am terrified that I won’t be able to handle the fussiness for long periods of time or stay awake or just screw it up.  And I hate being out of my apartment for very long.  So that sends my anxiety and agoraphobia soaring which triggers my depression.  And then, because I want to watch him as much as possible like I promised more than anything, it makes me even more anxious and depressed and triggers my agoraphobia.  And because I counted on myself to be able to do this because I want to so much because I love them so much and want to be there for them and feel useful again and have a purpose, it triggers all three even worse because of the disappointment in myself for not being able to do something I want so badly to do.  Does that even make sense?  That’s pretty much how I feel all the time.  And I’m sure all of this contributes to the constant nausea.

But I am at a place where I am determined to do this, with help and understanding.  I may not always be able to handle everything and ask for as much help as possible.  I may not know what to do.  I have to cut myself a break and understand that if I'm feeling so many negative things, the baby will pick up on that.  But I will figure this out.  My daughter is an angel for not giving up on me as my other children did.  Everyone in my life is since there are many times I give up on myself.  I don't want anyone to leave this post thinking that I am pushing myself to do something I don't want to do.  I know I can't work, but Kassi is doing everything she can to help me do the one thing I have wanted more than anything in years, to show my love and dedication to them and how proud I am to have them in my life.  So, together, this village will not only raise a child, but help a 54 year old woman have something wonderful in her life that she never thought she would have.

Physical Problems - And This Is Gross, But I Need To Say It

I know this is really gross, and will probably be very long, but I just have to put it out there.  I have had chronic constipation most of my life.  It has gotten progressively worse over the last few years, to the point that sometimes I wasn't able to go for weeks at a time.  I had tried every over-the-counter and diet things that were available.  I finally went at the beginning of this year to a GI doctor, who kind of took it not too seriously but did put me on a medication that seemed to be a real help for many months, until my body seems to have gotten used to it now, and it doesn't work all the time.

My daughter has a disease called Hirschsprung's Disease, which she was born with.  It is congenital and causes the nerve endings in the colon to not work properly.  This was 25 years ago, and I had to fight hard to get her treatment since little was known about this disease then.  At the age of 2, she had part of her colon removed and reattached, but she has also still had problems off and on for most of her life.  But now she seems to be mostly able to manage it.

I moved recently and had to find a new GI.  Well, this one I like better, and she is taking this seriously.  She wants me to have a colonoscopy and biopsy, which I have put off (I am 54).  She also said that I probably have also had Hirschsprung's Disease my whole life, undiagnosed since it wasn't known when I was young, and I didn't have good medical care at different times in my life.  Instead of the colonoscopy I did a Colo-Guard test which came back negative, but my new GI is pushing hard.  I told her I would consider it.

That was before this weekend.  I had a bad bowel blockage in 2010 that had me calling 911.  It was one of the worst experiences I've ever had in a hospital, with doctors and nurses who basically made fun of me and manually broke up a softball size stool.  Well, on Friday I hadn't gone poop in about 5-6 days so I took a laxative, even though with my constipation medication, Trulance, I'm not supposed to have to.  Usually this happens lately every 4-5 weeks.

I started having the worst cramps and pain and trying to go to the bathroom.  I knew I was going to pass out from straining my vasovagal syncope, which has happened before.  I also knew that if I went to the ER I was going to have maybe the same type of reaction I had before.  The blockage was so large there was no way to do an enema, but I did do a liquid glycerin suppository min-enema, which of course didn't work because it just makes it slippery, but the stool block was still too large to pass.  I finally bit the bullet and decided to do what I knew would happen at the ER.  I used my fingers to go inside my anus/rectum and break up the blockage myself.  So gross, I know.  But I was desperate.  It hurt so bad, and took so many tries, and bled so much.  After many tries I was able to finally break it up enough to get it out, and the laxative I had taken, combined with my Trulance, started the diarrhea, which continued into yesterday.  And I was exhausted for the rest of the day and all day yesterday, with no appetite but knowing I had to at least eat some soup so I would have something in my body so maybe this wouldn't happen again too soon.

On top of the possibility of having Hirschsprung's disease, every psychiatric and other medication that I am on has constipation as a side effect, which just makes things worse.  And when I was inpatient in the psych hospital at the beginning of this year, they put me on lithium, which I had an extremely bad reaction to that immediately sent me into hypothyroidism, which also causes constipation.  So I just can't win.  And my Trulance doesn't seem to be working much any more.

So I have finally decided to call my new GI tomorrow and get the soonest appointment as possible and tell them it's an emergency.  I will do the colonoscopy and biopsy and see if she wants to change my medication.  But I don't know how long it will take to get in to see her.  My first appointment took almost two months.  I'm hoping now that I've had my first appointment and if I tell them it's an emergency maybe they can get me in sooner.  I have to do something.  I'm so scared of this constant pain and worry.

How does this have to do with my bipolar and other mental health issues?  Well, first, all of my medications definitely contribute to this.  Second, having this constant physical pain and cramping and nausea has brought me back to a place of bipolar depression and severe anxiety.  And the medications I'm on aren't working so well, anyway.  But they are better than nothing.  I can't sleep or eat.  I feel horrible physically and mentally.

I guess that's all I have to say.  It's gross, I know, and I'm sorry.  I just had to get it out there, so if you read this, you are probably disgusted, or maybe you've had some of the same issues.  Thank you for letting me get this off of my chest.