I've been in a mixed state for a while after being in a depressive state for a long time with my Bipolar. Now it looks like I'm heading back down. I know I've said something to this effect before, but it bears repeating. For a lot of people, depression can be addictive. I've talked to my therapist about this, and a lot of it comes from feelings of worthlessness and no purpose. But when you live with depression for so long, it's like it is your sense of self. The thought of being happy, or trying to be, makes you feel guilty, like you don't have the right to any positive emotions. The depression, although debilitating, feels more comfortable inside your own skin. I'm afraid that's where I'm headed back to right now. Although the mixed state I was in wasn't any better.
We got my very pregnant daughter, Kassi, and her boyfriend packed and moved and unpacked. Mom and I packed and moved and unpacked and are starting to settle in. Kassi wasn't due until 11/10, but on 10/26, her OB decided she needed an emergency induction, so we spent two days at the hospital with her and all of her boyfriend, Martin's, family waiting. My new grandson, Logan, was born on the night of 10/27, and he is beautiful and perfect. Since I have 5 other grandchildren who I don't get to see because my older two children cut me out of their lives 6 years ago, this child will get all the love I have showered upon him.
I've been spending the last 2 1/2 weeks spending as much time with Kassi and the baby as I can, trying not to be pushy or overbearing or needy, but wanting to be with them as that has been the only time I can feel something close to happy. And Kassi has been great about that.
I also went back to my old psychiatrist, although I'm seeing a different practitioner in her office because she and I butt heads. My mom, however, is seeing her, and we still butt heads and argue, only now it's over my mom's treatment. I've been put on medications that I have and haven't tried before, but my genetic testing showed that I am an ultra fast metabolizer who is med-resistant and needs higher dosages to work. Those seem to have gotten me to a better place, a more stable place, until the last few days, when I seem to heading back down again. Maybe it's just adrenaline from all the changes falling away and going back to what I know. I don't know.
I've also lost 3 friends in the past month or so, which really sucks, since I didn't have hardly any friends to begin with. My therapist says they weren't really friends, and one was actually toxic. But now I'm lonely. And so tired. I want to sleep all the time, especially during the day, but I try not to, but then I can't sleep at night, either. It's broken up every hour or so, and I'm up for good between 3:30 and 4:00 a.m. I've tried melatonin at the highest dose, but maybe it's time to consider going back on a prescription sleep medication. I can fall asleep. I just can't stay asleep.
So that's what has been going on. Now, I feel lonely and down and depressed most of the time. And I have no purpose, except for spending time with Mom and Kassi and Logan. I have no hobbies, even though I've tried about everything to find something I enjoy, but nothing works. People ask me "What's the reason you're down?" There is no reason. It's just part of my disorder. I can't change it just because I would like to.
So I guess this has been a useless blog post, other than to explain where I am and why, I guess, I am here. A catch up, if you have read this far. There's really no exact "point" to this post. So, thanks for reading, and I hope next time I will be feeling better and have something useful to say.
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