Plateaus 2

For people dealing with Bipolar II, what is a plateau?  A plateau is where I am right now.  It’s a combination of being in limbo and purgatory.  While I don’t have manic episodes, I do have periods where I am able to concentrate and focus and be productive.  Unfortunately, these episodes are typically followed by extremely depressive episodes.

Well I’ve been out of the depressive episode right now for a couple of months, but I can’t seem to reach higher…thus the plateau.  It’s a place more of complacency than actual contentment.  My doctors and I try various methods to enhance this plateau and move me higher, but alas, it is not to be right at this time.  But I will continue the work while hoping not to backslide.

For those uniformed who think that this condition is a “choice”, let me be clear that no one wants to be in this position.  I could and would never choose to be in this place.  And yet here I am.  I am doing the work and trying to make progress…baby steps though they may be.

And I am so very fortunate to have a wonderful support system of friends and family.  My world sometimes is a very tenuous and virtual existence.  My friends stand by me when I can’t communicate or interact in person.  They understand that if I could change this, I would.  But still they are there for me with love and communication to get me through each day while I try to celebrate the small victories on my road to overcome the plateau.  For these people, my heart is filled with love.

The rabbit hole looms in the distance, and I am determined to not go down.  I know that it is not a choice, but it is a fight I have to fight, nonetheless.  This is for those people in my life who encourage me and support me and love me and share my hopes and continue to walk this path by my side.  I am forever grateful for your patience, laughter, and inspiration that I, too, will make it to the other side.

Shame, Guilt, and Addiction

Shame, Guilt, and Addiction

Even though I am “stable” now, I can’t quite reach up to find “happy.”  Don’t get me wrong…I’m glad that my depressive cycle is over for now.  I just can’t figure out how to take it to the next level.  Regardless of the medication cocktail my mood stays in the 3-5 range on a scale of 1-10.

I read some things earlier today that rang true to me.  The first thing I read talked about the shame and guilt that many of us with Bipolar Disorder feel.  Shame over our illness and guilt over the things we have put our loved ones through.  I know I feel both constantly.  I am no longer in touch with the “happy” side of my emotions, only the negative ones.

The other thing I read also made a lot of sense.  Depression can be addictive.  When you have lived with it so long you feel like it is your sense of self.  The thought of being happy, or trying to be, makes me feel guilty, like I don’t have the right to any positive emotions.  The depression, although debilitating, feels more comfortable inside my own skin.

I’m just mulling these over right now.  Definitely things to bring up at my next therapy session.  I’m going to need some help with this.  While I feel these things, I don’t know what to do about them.  I don’t even know where to start.  I would love to hear from anyone else about their thoughts on this.  Meanwhile I need to ponder this and see what I can come up with on my own.