The Things We Say

I guess I just feel like writing today.  I’ve joined a few bipolar support groups online, and I’m reading some things that are really hitting home to me.  People talk about the things they do when they are manic or hypomanic or depressed.  They talk about the absolutely horrible things they say and how they treat their loved ones.  It’s very sad.

I was not diagnosed bipolar when I was younger, although it seems very clear now.  I’ve kept a journal for more than 15 years, and in it I have written all of the terrible things I have said and done, primarily to my mother and children.  It’s shameful.  I now realize that this mostly came from the episodes I was dealing with, but that is no excuse.

I guess all I’m trying to say is that, to all of the people who I hurt along the way, I am truly sorry.  I don’t have an excuse.  I try to exercise restraint, but that seems to go away when I am in one of my bipolar states.

My older two children have completely disowned me.  They don’t want to even hear about my bipolar.  Hell, they haven’t responded to my requests for communication for years.  I have to live with that consequence.  I am thankful every day for the love and support of my baby girl who never judged or judges me.

So today is me saying I’m sorry and hoping that I don’t have to repeat this as a regular blog post.

A Little Lost

It’s been a long day, but I’ve been up since 3:30 a.m.  I had to see my mom off to the airport.  She’s on a long overdue visit back to where I grew up to see her grandchildren and great-grandchildren (and my sister, of course).  Since my mom and I live together, and I have terrible agoraphobia to go with my other diagnoses, that pretty much leaves me home with my puppy.

On top of that, my daughter, who is the sunshine in my day, every day, is heading out for a long weekend, too.  She won’t have a lot of time to talk to me, and I totally understand that.

I am not down by any means.  I am actually a little up.  And I have my good friends to keep my spirits up through these trips and my alone time.  I just wonder what you do…those who live alone with bipolar…and how you struggle being by yourself so much.  I don’t work since I am disabled, and I don’t drive, so I live a very virtual existence.

Give me some of your thoughts and strategies.  I would love to hear them.  Or just tell me your stories.  I love to connect with people who can help me learn.  Have a great day!