I don't really know how to handle what I am feeling so I thought I would write a new blog post to try to think through this. I have been doing Spravato for about a year now for my Bipolar Depression, and it has been a life saver. It has made me feel better than I have in years and allowed me to enjoy life and fully participate in things again. I can feel happiness and joy.
That leads me to the last two days, though. I have been on an every 4 week treatment with Spravato which seems to keep me pretty stable although the last couple of days before the treatment can be a bit of a struggle. My schedule got messed up, so this time I am going 5 weeks without treatment, so I am past what would have been the 4 week mark, and I am really struggling.
It started out with feeling irritable, anxious, frustrated, and distracted. I chatted with a couple of friends, and I was being snappy about everything. I was complaining a lot (even for me). I didn't want to get out of bed. I just wanted to watch mindless TV or read so my brain didn't have to process. I haven't slept well the past two nights and have been up since 3:00 a.m. so that doesn't help.
Now things have moved on with all of those other feelings to include some depression. Ugh. This fucking sucks. No, there is no reason. No, there was no trigger. It just happened. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure from others (my perceived pressure not theirs) and myself to feel better all the time since the Spravato has helped so much. I don't feel like I should be "allowed" to have any bad periods. It makes me feel incredibly guilty and weak. The feeling of inadequacy is very real right now. I need to be who I have been for the last year. Nobody wants to be around the person I am right now, and I don't blame them.
I am babysitting today, and I know that Logan will make me as happy as I can feel right now, but I do worry that I won't be the wonderful Grammy that I always am. I will try hard. I will pretend if I have to. I will give him as much love and playtime and attention as I possibly can. He deserves and needs it, and I want to give it. And maybe it will help take me out of my own head for a little while.
So that's where things stand. I hate feeling like this. I can't even really talk to anyone because I will either snap at them or sound like a whiny, complaining idiot or victim who needs pity and sympathy. I need to just suck it up. See how that works? I can't even give myself permission to feel the way I feel. I just can't. I have to be better. But I am just at a loss right now how to do it. Maybe when I get my next Spravato treatment things will get better.
