It's been quite a while since I last posted. I have been doing pretty well and stable for the most part for a bit. I still have my ups and downs, my bipolar cycles, but the extremes have flattened somewhat, and I feel more level. My anxiety has still been high but a little more manageable. My panic attacks have become much less frequent. My agoraphobia has gotten to a point where I can go to the grocery store regularly and some small stores and even doctor appointments unaccompanied, although larger places are still off limits, as are crowds, and new places can give me a panic attack. I finally found a sleep medication that has seemed to help somewhat, although it also has a side effect of weight gain. Ugh. I found a new therapist, also, and that seems to be starting off well.
Then this virus hit about a month or so ago. It actually started earlier than that, but really began affecting the general public's life about a month ago. It started gradually but ramped up quickly from there. Before I knew what was really happening, the virus was all that anyone was talking about. The state (Virginia) was starting to close certain types of businesses, such as gyms and movie theaters, and restricting gatherings of more than 100 people. On a national level, President Trump began his typical posturing, blaming everyone, taking no responsibility, giving no clear direction, dodging questions, extolling his own importance. Business as usual for him, except now he had a daily platform from which to proclaim his self-importance.
Some countries, such as Italy, were hit extremely hard initially, with death tolls in the tens of thousands as they tried to restrict daily activities and move into quarantine mode. In the U.S. the restrictions were mandated on a state level, and the governor of Virginia took relatively swift and decisive action in closing businesses, mandating social distancing, holding daily briefings, and working to get funding for the enormous need for PPE for front line health care workers, funding for the extreme influx of unemployment claims, and funding for small businesses who faced bankruptcy. He was one of the first governors in the nation to close schools for the remainder of the school year and order the state to be on "lock down" until June 10, 2020. The guidelines, however, are somewhat arbitrary and not entirely clear.
The number of cases worldwide and in the U.S. continue to rise every day. The death toll continues to rise every day. I find myself watching the site that tracks these numbers a few times every day. I watch it with trepidation and anxiety, hoping to see the numbers flattening or starting to drop. That is not yet happening. The scientists still do not seem to know much about this virus. There is not enough testing to go around. There is no vaccine. The incubation period is long, so it is difficult to maintain isolation for extended periods of time. Hundreds of thousands of people are without jobs, similar to the Great Depression. The economy is in tatters.
I thought I was dealing with this pandemic well as I have agoraphobia and anxiety and rarely leave my house anyway except for doctor visits, trips to the grocery store, and to pick up and take home my toddler grandson. This should not make a big difference in my lifestyle or in my mental health. Or so one would think. But one would be wrong.
While my bipolar is still relatively stable, my anxiety is through the roof. I expect that is true even for people who don't struggle with mental health issues. I do have to try hard to maintain my mood, though, through the anxiety. I don't want to slip back into either hypomania or, even worse, depression. It is a tough balancing act, and not one I have much control over.
I have to figure out what I do have control over. I have a little bit of control over my agoraphobia. I learned some coping strategies through exposure therapy, and now is a good time to use them since I am under virtual quarantine and can't really go anywhere anyway. I can go to the grocery store and to doctor appointments. That is pretty much it. So that is no real change. I should be ok with that. But for some reason, I am not. I feel unsafe. Maybe I am.
How to control the anxiety? How to determine what is "normal" anxiety from what is "abnormal" anxiety. I think most neurotypical people can control and manage their anxiety to a certain extent. I think, for me, my anxiety controls me more than I would like to admit. I do think, especially in this environment, a lot of my anxiety would be considered "normal." My response to it, however, is probably way out of proportion to the level of concern I should be experiencing. Thus my feeling that my anxiety is controlling me instead of the other way around.
For example. my daughter and her fiance are both paramedics. I have anxiety and worry about their health and exposure to the virus every day, especially now that their access to proper PPE is limited. It goes beyond just the typical worry and concern, though. I sometimes obsess about it. I tell myself that it is not something I can control, but my body and mind will not let go of it. I start to panic sometimes when thinking of them in different situations. My daughter had symptoms a few weeks ago and had to self-isolate for two weeks in quarantine at home, and I was terrified that she was infected. She turned out not to be, and I was so thankful, but I was anxious for two weeks straight. I absolutely hate it when people tell me to stop thinking about worst case scenarios or to just think positively. It is so invalidating to what I am actually experiencing. I am entitled to my thoughts, experiences, and emotions.
I have only gone outside the apartment a few times to the grocery store or to doctor appointments. I went to the grocery store two days ago and had a major panic attack. The first one I have had in quite a while. And it was bad. I can differentiate between a panic attack and an anxiety attack for me because they feel entirely different. A panic attack comes out of the blue with no warning, is severe from the beginning, has symptoms of trouble breathing, extreme pain in my chest, inability to speak or even stand sometimes, shaking, usually only lasts a few minutes, lingering pain that can last for hours, and has no unknown reason I can ever figure out. As opposed to an anxiety attack for which I can usually determine a cause and has similar symptoms that can last several hours but are much less severe. So I found myself on the floor of the grocery aisle holding my chest struggling to breathe, feeling like a fool with strangers staring at me from six feet away. Me controlling my anxiety and agoraphobia or them controlling me?
Anyway, this wasn't meant to be so long, so political, or so involved. It was really just meant to be an update on the current situation and that I am handling things the best way I can and that I am proud to say that I have not moved into a really bad place. I am holding steady even though some days it feels like I'm holding on by my fingernails. But holding on I am. I am holding on to my family and friends. We are holding on to each other and supporting. And mentally I will get through this and, I hope, be able to get through this pandemic and out the other side. My stupid anxiety is telling me to hold on till this is over and have a breakdown then. I am trying not to listen to it. I don't want to have a breakdown at all. Not now. Not then. So the anxiety is not going to win this time. Stay healthy. Stay safe. Stay strong.
