I haven't really talked to anyone about this, but it's been on my mind. Here's my biggest example. My daughter and grandson mean the world to me. I would give my life for them without thought. I know I love them with everything I have to give. And my daughter tells me all the time that she loves me, and honestly she shows me, but my stupid bipolar brain tells me it's not really love. It's gratitude. My grandson may love me, but he is too young to know what either love or gratitude is, and I understand that.
With my daughter, I am her primary child care provider when she and her fiance are working. I love this. I am grateful to her for allowing me to do this despite my mental health, because she knows how much I love them both and do my absolute best, and that I would do anything for either of them. So my backwards brain says that maybe she doesn't actually love me, that maybe she is just grateful to me for taking care of her baby whenever she needs me to and knowing how much I love him.
But when I truly think about it, I know she does love me. It's my mental disorder that is tricking me. She has never abandoned me when so many others have. She calls and messages me every day, sometimes for hours, just to talk about life and everything and nothing at all. She includes me but understands if I feel unable to participate. She listens to me and never judges me.
And yesterday, she gave me the ultimate sign of love instead of gratitude. I may be participating in a new drug trial for my bipolar depression which will require me to be at my psychiatrist's office a couple of times a week for hours and leave me unable to do anything for the rest of the day. I told her I may not do this because it would interfere with me being able to watch my grandson whenever she needs me to. It's my only purpose in life...to help them and love them. I am willing to forego the drug trial in order to not lose her love and gratitude. That is more important to me than feeling better because if I lost them, I would lose everything.
What she told me was not what I expected or could even comprehend with my brain the way it is. She said that she would not allow me to forego a possible treatment that could seriously help me in order to make her life easier with babysitting. She said if there were days I could not babysit, she would find a way with others to help fill in the gaps during those days. She said that my long term mental health is more important to her than to have me think that she just wanted me around as a babysitter. She loves me that much. She said I would always be a big part of their lives, even if I have to take a day off here or there due to treatments. It scares me to trust and believe in this because I feel it's ok for me to be needed but not to be loved unconditionally. But she shows me unconditional love.
I have my answer. No more thinking about it. Just writing about this is enough to make me cry. My baby loves me. She really loves me. I can believe this as fact regardless of what my mind may tell me. It's never been about anything she has said or done or not said or done. It's always been what is in my head. Maybe this selfless statement on her part will finally break through the boundary that I have in allowing someone to love me and being able to believe it.
It may seem simple, but to me this is a huge step. I love her so much, and she makes me feel loved.
